On Fantasy

I realized something about myself recently, about a little habit I have on the Internet.  It's time to confess...Every so often, I get this urge, and so I go online, and I begin at a certain website.  I scroll through photos, and I fantasize.  The website is Zillow.com; the pictures are of houses for sale in my area.  Yes, real estate is my porn.

I have no plans to move, to sell our current house or buy another.  I just like to look.  I like to see what houses are selling for in certain neighborhoods, what kind of square footage you can get in different school districts.  I cringe at older homes with busy wallpaper or forest green carpet.  I drool over slate fireplaces and large kitchens.

But it's more than just a time waster.  I imagine myself in those homes.  I think about how my furniture would fit...or, better yet, new furniture!  I imagine how much space I would have preparing a meal on those granite counters, what it would be like to have a dishwasher, playing with my kids in that fenced in backyard with the lush grass.  If we lived THERE...we would be happy.  If our house had THAT feature, my life would be easier.  The house would always be as clean as it is online.  The sheets would match.  There wouldn't be spills or stains or sick children there.  Ants wouldn't crawl all over the counters.  Things wouldn't break.  Everything would be better SOMEWHERE ELSE.

That's not true, is it?  If I moved into a different house, even a newer house, I'd bring my family and my own clumsiness with me.  Dust would begin to settle on window ledges, balls would be thrown across the living room, orange juice wouldn't stay at the table, but would dribble down the beautifully carpeted hallways.  I would still have to clean.  I would still lose my temper.  We wouldn't change, just our surroundings would.

What I need, instead, is to stay in reality.  I need to look around at all that I have, and realize that it's enough.  This house is a blessing.  We moved in here 7 years ago, when our little family consisted of me, Chris, and our 6 month old baby.  We have hosted birthday parties and barbecues, we have wept and struggled and laughed and persevered.  We have grown here.  Our family has gotten bigger, but we've grown up too.  And the love that we share isn't going to get better if we have a real mudroom or our own master bath.

If home is where the heart is, then my heart is a yellow house on a quiet street with dandelions in the yard and toys on the roof.