Love Dare part 2

Yes, we are still at it.  We are daring to love every day and learning more than we expected.  Wow.  I can say, I was looking forward to 40 days of lovey-dovey moments with Chris.  I thought we would just sail through these dares and grow closer and smile at how much we love each other.  But what I'm finding is these tasks are doing a great job at shining a light on how poorly I sacrifice for my husband.  I really didn't think of myself as selfish or entitled, but those words came to me this past weekend.  When I stay in bed and expect him to get up with the kids.  When I glare at the full trash can he left for me while he is at work.  When I pass that toy/sticker/apple core/dirty sock on the floor over and over and I REFUSE to pick it up, because I do enough around here, that should be his job.  And so I chose to email my Village sisters and tell them this discovery I had.  It was hard to be that honest.  But then today's dare was about being intimate, about trusting my spouse with everything.  So I told him the same thing.  And it was so much harder than even that email, to look at his face agreeing with me as I said those words out loud.  Ugh.  And I don't want to change.  I don't want to be better somedays.  I DO do alot around here.  But I know that I need to get my butt out of bed.  I need to partner with this man more fully, take the burden more equally.

Because the other thing these Dares are showing me is what an incredible man I married.  I talked with Liga (in my head I always call her Lovely Liga, and I think one of these days its going to slip out when I'm actually talking to her), who met her husband when they were stupid, immature teenagers, just like me and Chris.  And we agreed that looking back at the beginning of our relationships at the boys we fell in love with, kind of makes us cringe at how low our standards were.  And how those boys became men who just make our jaws drop sometimes, that we got so lucky to have these men marry us and give us children to raise together.  Nothing Chris did while we were dating(or even that first year of marriage) comes anywhere close to the ways that he impresses me and loves me and challenges me today.  Seriously, 17 year old Rachel, you won the husband lottery when you lost your mind for that boy at work who smiled at you and told funny jokes and had kind of a cool car.  You didn't know then (how could you, you were such a moron, and worse, you thought you were pretty smart) that he would turn out to be self-less and kind, laid-back and thoughtful, gentle and strong, tender and bold.  You just wanted to kiss those full lips and hold hands at the movies and have a date for Prom who wouldn't bring a 2 liter of Pepsi mixed with rum in a backpack (a backpack and a tux, people. Pepsi and rum).  At least the funny thing is still there.  He still makes me laugh.  And taking away distractions and making time to talk more these past 18 days has made me remember just how much I loved to laugh with this man when he was a boy, and I appreciate that I still get to laugh with him now.  Only the jokes are much more personal and special and gut-busting, because what we have is a one flesh, one love partnership.

Love Dare (part 1?)

I've mentioned before how much I love Family Village.  How the last year of meeting bi-weekly has given Chris and I so many opportunities to talk and learn and introduce new ideas to our marriage and our family.  Mandy has set an amazing example for me about how to mother my children: she is so engaged and energetic with her kids, and somehow manages to cook dinners and can vegetables and write beautiful blog posts as well.  One of the first lessons (I guess that's what I should call them?) Village had was centered around teaching our kids to pray.  They gave us about 12 different ideas to engage the kids in a fun way to learn how to verbally express our thanks and petitions, our adoration and confession.  We were the only family whose kids were unable to answer the very simple question "How old are you?" despite the fact that there were children present who were younger who still responded, so I didn't know how much they would understand about prayer.  But we used the ideas provided, tweaked them a little to fit our family, and off we went (I also worked for a few weeks to teach the boys how old they were, and I'm happy to say they now know the answer to that question!).  And wonder of wonders, my boys can pray.  This past Easter Sunday they both asked to take a turn praying before our meal, and I loved hearing their little voices and the things they are thankful for (Mommy and Daddy, and playing outside, in case you were wondering!).

So when our leaders announced we were going to do The Love Dare (a 40 day challenge to be kinder to your spouse from the movie Fireproof), I was ready to go.  YES!  My marriage is about to get a little more awesome, and although I have wanted to do this since I saw the movie years ago, I've never actually gotten around to it.  Now I have a whole village of people to keep me motivated and hold me accountable to do it!  We got the book, flipped open to the first Dare, and I frowned.  Day 1...was it something simple and pleasant to get my feet wet?  NO.  Day 1: Love is patient.  Be patient with your spouse all day.  Only say kind things.  If you want to say something negative, say nothing.  As much as my husband tells me I'm a good wife, as much as I think of myself this way, the truth is that I can have a sharp tongue.  I don't nag or belittle him, but I am sarcastic (its my superpower, sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse) and sometimes I say things that are very hurtful without even realizing until its too late.  I just did it a few weeks ago, in a very memorable way.  So needless to say, this Love Dare has been a challenge from the beginning.  Even the day that dared to buy something for my spouse, and I decided I would get up with the kids and buy donuts for breakfast...my husband could sleep in and then wake up to one of his favorite treats...I got up, dressed the boys, and then stared at the door for a good 5 minutes just willing myself to get out.  I didn't want to do it!  Even though it meant a 3 minute car ride, a $4 purchase, and a donut for myself.

What I've realized in just the last 10 days is that I'm selfish.  Not in a noticeable, over-the-top way, but in an intimate, we-sleep-in-the-same-bed-and-you-stay-in-it-much-longer-than-I-do kind of way.  Its a selfishness that, when confronted, says "How dare you not like something about the way that I am!"  Its hard to let go.  But this Love Dare, and my awesome Village Sisters, make me want to peel it off and toss it in the trash (and then tie up the bag and carry it outside myself, because I'm being selfless!).

Another thing I've realized is that the Love Dare is not a sustainable template for marriage.  Its a 40 day kick in the pants to make me see myself clearly, and see my husband clearly, and give some intentional "for better" experiences.  Because we don't vow to stay married as long as everyone is healthy and doing nice things for each other.  We promise "in sickness and in health", "for richer or for poorer".  We have to promise both, because we don't get to choose which way our lives go.  I am (thank you Lord) healthy today, but a year and a half ago I took one wrong step and twisted my ankle.  I had to use crutches for weeks, went to physical therapy, missed trick-or-treat with my family.  I didn't plan on all that suckiness to happen, but it did, and Chris took care of me.  He took on double duty parenting, cleaning, cooking, and still made it to his job every day.  I don't know when some external factor like the death of a loved one or the divorce of parents is going to wreak havoc on our lives, and turn me into an emotional mess of a human being.  But I know that Chris will be there, holding me, comforting me, and we will cling to each other because some days that is the only thing that seems permanent and trust-worthy. 

So there are 30 days left.  Some daunting challenges (give in on a disagreement? we are not friends Day 12) and some that seem easy (read my Bible? don't mind if I do Day 21) lie ahead.  I can do this, because my marriage is worth it!