Four Stages of Procrastinating

I spent 2015 trying to work on developing better habits.  I exercised more, I made better choices with food, I steadily worked on decluttering and being more organized.  I've even managed to be more awake in the mornings while I get the kids ready for school.  (No tardies!)  But something people may not realize about me is that I am a committed life-long procrastinator.

Especially since I published my first novel this year, I've been hearing the same thing from lots of people.  It centers around how amazing it is that I managed to do this on top of everything else: being a full-time mom, having other kids in my care (whether it's for a few hours or a few months), volunteering at church, and I don't even know what else.  Every time, I cringe a little.  I think about all the time I spent avoiding writing, all the days when I lost confidence and wondered what I was doing and wanted to give up.  It took me three years to finish that first book, but I know that I could have finished it much sooner if I hadn't spent so much time procrastinating.

Now that I'm nearing the final pages of my second novel, (completed in less than two years with a little more focus!) the desire to slack off and push the deadline has been strong.  So I thought I would break down the four stages of procrastination that I find myself cycling through.

1. Whirlwind When that blinking cursor begins to overwhelm me, the first thing I'll do is throw myself into family time.  I will be the most energetic mom, I will build Legos and play endless games of Candy Land, I will take the kids to the park or McDonald's or the library.  Anything to stay in motion, to convince myself that I'm making better use of my time.

2. Mindless drone Eventually, the kids go to school or bed or find something to play that doesn't involve me.  And rather than return to that waiting document, I'll find some super boring task that's been sitting undone for months.  Remember my decluttering project that I mentioned?  All completed while avoiding writing.  This is a great time to sort through the pile of junk mail or rearrange the cupboards or sort through the lotions and medicines in the bathroom.

3. Internet rabbit holes So at this point, you're probably thinking, Hey that doesn't sound bad.  So you take a break from creative work and engage with your family or clean your house--you're still being productive!  And I totally agree.  I tell myself that when I go back to the computer, I'll be more focused and ready to write again because I've just satisfied my other commitments.  Like making sure the house is pristine before leaving on vacation.  Then you can really enjoy your time away, knowing that everything is done.  Except I come back to the computer and decide to check Facebook.  Or Suri's Burn Book.  Or catch up on the blogs I follow.  Or price trips we might take once my book becomes a best-seller.  My husband calls this "falling into an internet rabbit hole", and as someone who loves to accumulate information, I can be there for hours.  Rarely do I accomplish anything productive or worthwhile once I've gotten to this stage.  This is when I click on links to celebrity gossip sites or research the British monarchy, none of which pertains to the book I'm writing.

4. Catatonic The fourth and final stage of procrastination finds me in hibernation mode.  I've given up pretending that I'm doing anything worthwhile, and retreated to the couch or bed.  I might go to sleep, but even rest can be refreshing, so usually in this stage, I binge watch something online and play stupid apps that I deleted from my phone, but are still loaded on the family iPad (looking at you, Candy Crush Saga).  I probably look like someone who is bored, who has nothing to do.  But I haven't felt bored since I had my first kid almost 9 years ago.  I actually get to this point when I am most overwhelmed, when the pressure, the tasks, the endless cycles of life are pressing in.

So 2015 has been a year of learning better habits.  In looking at the habits I have, the ones I unintentionally created over the years by default, I've learned more about myself.  I've realized the bad things I run to when I feel stressed, and I've made an effort to rewire my brain so that I choose good things instead.  Procrastination has been both a curse and a crutch for as long as I can remember, in college and high school and probably even before that.  It's not always a bad thing, like when it spurs me to spend more time with my kids.  But if I didn't put off my work, I wonder if I would be more like the other accomplished people I know.

As December winds down and 2016 approaches, I don't know what word I want to focus on in the new year.  But I would like to set some boundaries for myself.  Sometimes I need to go catatonic.  But when I withdraw, I need to set a timer for 30 minutes.  I've found that if I give myself half an hour to disengage and retreat, I can return to my task feeling better about life.  But if I just go catatonic without an extraction plan, I'll be out for the rest of the day.

I've also learned how to break up writing into manageable goals.  Many full-time writers can put out thousands of words a day, and I've done this myself when an idea hits or I have the support to write all day.  But most of the time, I am on duty for all the other people in my life.  I've found that all I have to do is write 500 words a day, which I can accomplish during gymnastics lessons or nap time.  And those words add up!  In January, I'm starting a new novel.  If I can stick to my 500 words a day goal, I'll have it finished by the time school lets out in May.  Writing in summer has been virtually impossible so far, and I know I'll have to give myself a few months off.  So I'm challenging myself to do in about 5 months what has taken me years in the past.  Procrastination, be gone!!  There will be no room for you next year.

Are you a procrastinator?  What goals are you setting for 2016?  Leave a comment!

Regret and Resolution

Last week marked the start of a New Year.  It's the time when we take some time to remember the past, when we begin to look ahead in the future, when we resolve to make changes.  I worked at a gym in high school and college, so I know how quickly many give up on their goals for the new year.  Every January, the workout room would be packed with people, and their numbers would dwindle until April, when the people who truly had a commitment to personal fitness were the only ones showing up.  They were the same faces I saw week after week, year after year.  My own resolutions tend to be financial.  This will be the year I don't get any library fines (already failed that one, with an overdue CD still in my car).  This will be the year we finally pay off our credit cards (despite being a recurring resolution, I KNOW 2014 is going to be the one!).  This will be the year I turn my little writing hobby into a paying job (although with four kids to take care of, actually finding time to finish that novel is going to be the biggest challenge).

Self Portrait

 

I think one of the purposes behind our New Year's Resolutions is to avoid regret.  So that this time next year, we can look back and say we didn't waste it.  This was the year that we turned things around, in our finances, in our health, in our relationships.  This was the year that I did things for me, instead of putting myself last.  But I don't regret putting other people's needs ahead of my own.  I don't regret all the times I make food for the kids, then realize hours later that I still haven't eaten.  I don't regret the path my life has taken, even if it means I'm somewhere different than I imagined.

Play doh creations

This is not to say I live without regrets.
I regret all the times I cared more about what other people thought than doing what I knew to be right.  Growing apart from friends whose opinion used to mean so much helped me see how much of my life had been lived to get someone else's approval.
I regret everything that I abandoned because it got hard.  I regret what remains unfinished.
I regret the narrow and shallow way I used to look at the world.  I regret the people I wrote off because they didn't seem good enough, able enough, cool enough.

Angry Birds: GO!

Something tells me 2014 is going to erase some of those regrets.  Not because I made a resolution on January 1st, but because my heart is being transformed daily. Because forgiveness and love are replacing achievement and regret.  Because I'm raising little children, which often means I'm learning way more than I'm teaching.  Because I've found a community, a Village, that links arms and carries the load and refuses to leave me behind. 

Not for Auld Lang Syne, but for a life without regret.  Happy 2014!