The Door Will Open {it happened on a sunday} day 21

As my 20's came to a close, so much in my life had changed.  I became a wife and mother, got to lead a group of amazing girls through middle school, and had a group of friends I loved.  All of it was tied up in my church.  Which is why it was so difficult to come to a point when leaving that church seemed like the only possible choice.

There were a lot of factors in the decision.  I lost some respect for the pastor, who only a few years before had been so inspiring in his messages.  My husband and I were giving ourselves to the middle school students and felt a great camaraderie with the other adults volunteering, and we didn't want to lose that.  People had made accommodations for us so our son would be able to attend classes with his peers in the preschool program.  And the church was familiar.  We knew lots of people, we were comfortable.

A decision was made, an issue of policy that goes on all the time behind the scenes in organizations, and it was one we couldn't support.  We were surprised and hurt by the people involved and the ultimate outcome.  Finally, after weeks of confusion and disappointment, Chris and I looked at each other and said, "We can't keep coming to this church."

We had a new baby and took some time to just deal with the chaos at home.  It happened on a Sunday morning that fall, that I woke up, took a shower and got dressed, and told my husband that I was going to church.  Not the one we had just decided to leave, but a different one.  I didn't even know which one, but I'd scoped out what was near our house and wanted to try some.  He sighed, then said, "Okay," took a shower himself and helped me load up the kids.

This was a significant turning point for a few reasons.  When I was a teenager, I gave up on church because I lost my faith.  Now I realized that I had only lost faith in a few specific people, not the entire institution, certainly not in God.  So I looked for a new church.  Also, the reason I was in church in my 20's was because my husband got me there.  Now we are in our 30's, and we are in church because I got him there.  I can think of no better reason to get married, no better expression of our love for each other than this.

We also made some mistakes.  We didn't tell anyone what we had decided, that we were leaving for good.  We just slipped out and disappeared.  I wish I'd been able to have conversations, to voice my concerns before throwing in the towel.  Because, secondly, we thought we could find a perfect church, full of perfect people, where we wouldn't be disappointed anymore, where the decisions of a few people wouldn't hurt us or anyone else that we cared about.  I realize now that that desire is pure fantasy.  There is no perfect place on this earth.  There are no people who will always do the right thing and never mess up.  If any of that were real, then God wouldn't have invented grace, and asked us repeatedly to show it to each other.

Leaving our church made me realize that I was no longer journeying alone.  My decisions and my feelings and my relationship with God affect other people.  Though my husband and I see things differently sometimes, though our beliefs differ in some respects, God is one thing we have in common.  As my children get older, I want to share with them what I believe.  I want so badly for them to experience what I have experienced, the love and acceptance and joy that I have found in God.  I had to make room for these other people.

So, at the ripe old age of 30, it was time for my faith to grow up.