Searching {it happened on a sunday} Day 11

As I entered my 20's, I finished college and set off into the great, big world beyond as a flight attendant.  I was gaining my footing, making strides to re-engage with life, and I was in the early throes of young love.  I had decided, after being confronted by my college roommate, that I needed to stop trying to act like something I wasn't.  I finally let my outside match my inside.  That meant no more church, no more Bible reading (I felt like Homer Simpson, furiously flipping through the pages, "This book doesn't have any answers!"), no more lying to myself.

I spent a few years searching for something else.  I read philosophy, Plato and Kierkegaard and Augustine and Sartre.  I read the Baghavad Gita and the Book of Mormon.  I researched Kabbalah and Buddhism.  The one thing I never tried was outright atheism.  It's interesting, in retrospect, that I never lost my belief in God, in organized religion; I just couldn't find one that meant anything to me personally.

I also tried on new personalities and experiences, things I had never considered for myself before.  Like hanging out in a bar with my co-workers.  Going to museums in the cities I visited.  Spending my days off curled up at the bookstore, reading through the Harry Potter series.  I spent a lot of time alone, going to restaurants and movies and parks by myself.  I went swimming and running and did some yoga.  I was a blank slate in so many areas, I had to learn what I liked, what I wanted, who I was.  (Also, reading over this now I just think, Wow, my life was so luxurious back then!)

Many times, it was nice to be alone.  But there were other days when I wished I could have more human interaction.  Since people travel 365 days a year, I missed Christmas gatherings and Thanksgivings with my family, graduation parties and birthday celebrations.  I could get on a plane with a moment's notice, so long as I wasn't required to stay in Tennessee on call or stuck in Ottawa due to extreme cold.  It was a welcome change when I met Sara.  A fellow flight attendant, we became roommates.  Then, when she actually seemed to want to spend time with me, we became friends.  We cooked dinner together and went out for ice cream and even went to her gym together when we were both in town.  It brought a light to the days when my life seemed to dim, and I was grateful for her generosity in making room for me in her life and her apartment.

She also got me thinking about God some more.  Sara had grown up Catholic, rebelled as a teenager, then left home.  She had started attending Mass again when we lived together, and seemed to be claiming it for her own.  In conversation, I told her I wasn't interested, but privately, I was curious why anyone would go back to church.  I wonder what might have come of our relationship, what further talks we would have had and if we would still know each other today if she were still alive.

It happened on a Sunday, but I didn't find out until Monday.  I was in the process of moving back to Ohio, sharing an apartment with my childhood friend for the next year, and so I wasn't aware that Sara had gone boating with someone who lived in our building, that higher than average rainfall had made the river they were on swollen and the current stronger than usual, that they went too close to a waterfall and couldn't go back, that their bodies crashed onto the rocks below and her life was over before rescue teams could get to her.  I was walking into work, thinking that life was pretty great, when someone told me the news, and it knocked the wind out of me.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, and yet I had to work.  I'm sure more than a few people were upset by the sight of an openly sobbing flight attendant in the post 9/11 world of air travel.

I stayed at my job for another 7 months or so, but the pleasure I derived from work had diminished.  When I found myself looking for my friend disembarking from a plane, or sprawled on the couch in a crew room, only to realize once more that she was gone, I knew it was time for a change.  And with things continuing to grow more and more serious with my boyfriend, my whole life was ready for a shake up.