Adoption: Words

I've mentioned before how important words are, how they affect people, and nowhere in my life do the words become more emotionally charged than adoption.  Especially labels.  What do I call the woman who gave birth to my son?  Sometimes, for fun, I call her my "baby mama"...because I'm a woman, and this is my only chance to use this term.  Some people choose to say "biological mother" or "birth mom", and these terms are accurate.  The worst thing someone could call her is his "real mom" or "natural mother".  Because what is natural about abandoning your child?  What makes someone a "real mom"?  Is it giving someone your DNA, or is it wiping their tears and changing their diapers?  The phrase I've come across that I like best is "first mom".  I love how it rolls off the tongue, and I love how it represents her best.  She loved him first.  She held him first.  She called him Michael first.  And just like a first love, he'll never forget her.  She is there in his blue eyes and pink lips, in every beat his heart makes.  I also like how "first" can be applied to all the other family members we have gotten to know, the aunts and grandmas who long to see him and keep him in their lives.

Its scary, this forging of new relationships.  When the judge made him ours, and the social worker told us he has three sisters, we knew we had to do everything in our power to meet them.  He needed to know them, to bond with them.  But we didn't know what would happen, what we would find when we sought them out.  Who were these other caregivers?  Would we get along?  Would they want to stay in touch?  Would they murder us and dump our bodies in the woods and take Michael away?  Fortunately, we found the one thing that makes this whole crazy situation work: LOVE.  For Michael, for Gianna, for Melodie and Kelcie.  These other moms and dads who stepped in to care for them, their love is so powerful that it makes the visits and the picture exchanges possible.  It is a love that sacrifices self to do what's best for the kids.  And we all agree that what's best is for them to play in a yard on a cool spring day.  To play catch with each other, to chase cats and fight over cars.  To play peek-a-boo and dance to One Direction songs together.  I did the math today.  When his oldest sister is a senior in high school, he'll be starting first grade.  What is going to bridge that age gap?  What is going to be the common denominator when he's not a cute little baby anymore?  The answer is love.  This space that we are giving them now, to know each other, to play together, is going to matter in the future when they are the ones deciding whether or not to call each other, when they are deciding who to invite to their graduations, weddings, baby showers.  When they no longer have to use qualifiers, but can just call each other "Friend".