Every woman faces a choice when she gives birth: do I work or stay home? For some, the choice is easy. Perhaps you are already at home, or perhaps you have a job that is important, that you love, that pays the majority (or all) of your bills. But if you are like me, you faced a Fork in the Road. A point when you decided to become a stay at home mom, rather than continue at a job that paid too little to afford daycare, that daily put you in the line of fire for an ignorant person to take their frustration out on you, that didn't seem worth sacrificing time with your child. I didn't know many stay homes when I was growing up. My mom worked throughout my childhood, and I never doubted that she loved me and cared about the person I was becoming. And just as I assumed that I would have a natural at-home birth like my mom, I also figured I would just keep on working after. But as I saw my friends have babies and return to work after six weeks, it became apparent that maternity leave was not long enough to adjust to all the changes motherhood brought...nor was it long enough for breastfed babes to sleep through the night, thus allowing their milk source to sleep. My job was nothing special; I'd been starting to look for something different when I got the two pink lines on the pregnancy test. I also met some real stay at home moms, and saw that they were making one income work. So I decided to give it a try, and my husband supported my decision.
In the last six years, I have at times taken part-time employment to help pay the bills or provide a little extra Christmas money, but I have never stopped thinking of myself as a SAHM, because ultimately my little jobs have gotten the absolute last priority in my time, attention, and work ethic (which, yes, made me a bad employee). For the last 12 months, I have been completely at home, and there are days and weeks and sometimes even months when IT IS HARD. The difficulty boils down to adjusting. How do I adjust to the additional time I have with no outside work to do? How do I adjust to the lowered income with no more paychecks coming my way? How do I adjust to the lack of interaction with other adults, losing the time I spent by myself going to and from work, and the relentless demands of young children?
TIME
One of my working moms commented, after spending a week off work at home with her child, how even if she stayed home full time, she would still struggle to get everything done. This is so true. Although in the beginning, with just a newborn baby and a small duplex to care for, there was plenty of time to read and watch TV and take personal time, the pace accelerated by the first birthday, so that I am falling into bed at night listing off all the tasks that remain undone. Most days I have to decide whether to shower or fold laundry during nap times, because attempting either while my young children are unattended will quickly result in an injury or property damage (or both). Besides which, the whole point of staying home is not to win a Martha Stewart award, but to spend time with my children as they grow and develop, to play a prominent role in that, before they head to school for a majority of their day. This has become more clear to me this past year, as my oldest has embarked on his all-day school career, and I am realizing that it won't end until he's ready to move out. Although we still have nights and weekends and breaks (not to mention copious sick days), I am now sharing much of the work of teaching and molding him with his teachers and classmates. There are days when I miss the duties of outside work, the sense of accomplishment in doing something (even if its just cashing a check or serving a drink) and the reward of having others recognize your role. I have a wonderful husband who tries to do this for me...for instance, the other day he came home and called to me from another room, "Oh, did you vacuum today?" Thinking he noticed how much cleaner the house looked, I walked toward him, ready to receive my praise, only to find him returning a rug to its rightful place on the floor. "So you only noticed because things were out of place, not because it looks clean?" I asked. Yep. Its hard to wash the same clothes and dishes over and over and not feel done. Its hard to make three meals a day for people who can't even talk, although when they do, they still don't say thank you.
MONEY
Its hard to change from two incomes to one. Americans are much better at spending than cutting back, and I am an excellent American. I'm still figuring out ways to make ends meet, finding cheaper alternatives to products and services, and ultimately, giving up quite a bit. New clothes are a thing of the past. New toys are starting to go that way too. Coloring books still have to be new, although I've gotten great deals at the One Spot and other discount places. Chris and I loved to eat at restaurants whenever possible in the pre-baby days, but that was another sacrifice to the single income lifestyle, especially once our baby decided he would rather throw a tantrum than sit in a high chair. Its more enjoyable to sit across our kitchen table at mealtimes, while the children crawl and run and jump around us than to take turns walking a kiddo around until the food comes and take turns eatimg alone at Fridays. One of my husband's coworkers told him she will always be a working mom, because she doesn't want to give up the beach vacations and the new cars. She had an easy decision, because those are so far down our list of things to save for, I don't even know when they will happen again. Its hard to go from shopper to thrifter.
HELLO? IS ANYONE ELSE THERE?!
The thing I loved most about outside employment was spending time with coworkers. My last job, the one I described so grimly at the outset, was working in a bank with six other women. We had so much time between customers, sorting cash, shredding old documents, and we filled it with endless conversations. These ladies were so different and colorful and open, and my first months at home I ached to go sit with them for just an hour, to tell someone else what was going on with me, and to hear what was happening outside my little house. I missed the 55 year old grandmother, who would actively listen to me gripe about some problem, then offer the most compassionate, insightful response. I missed the manager, a feisty little woman barely five feet tall, who loomed over us all with her confidence and authority. She would say the funniest things when she got worked up, which was at least once a week, and I always knew where I stood with her. In contrast, my babies would at times cry for no reason, would not respond to my attempts to comfort them, would be more calm in the arms of others or even alone in their cribs. Its hard not to take that as rejection. Its hard to have perspective on your own life without someone to be a mirror, to call you on your crap or show you the way. I spent a long time trying to find mom friends and mom mentors, anyone who understood the life I had chosen and could offer support or solutions. I think I've found that at last, and it has much to do with the moments of peace I find throughout the day. Its hard to be alone with my kids. Its hard to spend all day talking to myself.
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