I have been doing this Stay at Home Mom thing for almost 6 years. Its been a struggle at times, its been a choice I have had to defend without totally believing myself, and it has been the absolute most life-changing decision I ever made. I have questioned myself so many times, been my own worst critic, and only now am I seeing that, in addition to being hard, being home with my children in this way is the best. I can't imagine having done it any differently (well, maybe planning ahead financially would have helped, but it is what it is). So why? What makes the sacrifices and isolation and exhaustion worth it? The answer is my boys. This life does not give daily or weekly or even monthly progress. It does not give back every other week the amount of money my time is worth. There are no vacation days or sick days or mental health days. There is no one to tell me if I am doing everything completely wrong...at the end of the day the most I can usually point to is the continued existence of my kids. But they have shown me, over the course of these years, that they do hear me, that they do benefit from my time and attention. They have blossomed into amazing little people with (strong) opinions and preferences, and there are things I can point at and say, I taught them that!
Last year was difficult for many reasons...more difficult than this current year has been. A big part of that was the frustrating and disgusting process of potty learning that I began with my oldest son and continued on to the second one. There were days when I sat in the bathroom with my sweet boy as he screamed at me, too many times that I cleaned poo out of underwear, and so many nights when I wondered if it would ever sink in. Suddenly, just as I wanted to throw in the towel and stay in diapers indefinitely, he got it. I sat in shock as my 5 year old walked to the bathroom all by himself and went with complete independence. That was the turning point; within a few weeks, I didn't need to remind him to stop playing and go, nor did I have to clean any wet or poopy clothes. When I accompanied him on his class trip this past October, his teacher praised him for his independence and explained that he is the only student in his class who does so. In that moment, it was all worth it. Amazingly, all the trouble and stress and just gross-ness disappeared as I looked at my son with pride. It was hard, but we made it through to the other side. That perspective has served me well ever since. I remind myself of how long it took to get to this place of independence, and how worthwhile it is now that we are here. As I continue to work with the younger two all day, I can think ahead to what wonderful people they will be in just a few years, after the tantrums and the crying fits and the dependence subside.
And another thing...taking a break from working and having kids has really made me a terrible employee. When I am home, I am completely, unilaterally, Joseph-Stalin-in-charge. I determine everything, from the menu for the day, what we will play, what we will wear (although James has finally started having some input on that one), and most of the time, my attitude and mood affect everyone else in the house. So to put on a corporate shirt and put myself under the management of another person is hard. Especially when so few managers earn respect these days. And its really hard to get yelled at by some stupid person about something over which I have no control, nor did I cause, while thinking about my children at home without me. I mean, yes, they yell at me over things which I can't control...they ask me for snow in August and candy at bedtime and for Lightning McQueen to be real...but they're children and I expect them to be irrational and impatient. I hope that our time together and the coming years teach them to let go of these childish ways so they can treat people in the service industry with respect. But I would rather face their tantrums than those of a 50 year old businessman. I like that I can spend five days in a row wearing sweatpants when I have my period, that I can go outside when the weather is nice and stay in when it is not, and I really like not having to answer to anyone else about how I spend my day (I asked my hubs recently what he thought about me being home and did he wish I had a job or was going to get one in the future, and he said he trusts me completely with how I spend my time, he knows I'm an active person who will always make good use of it...isn't he the best?). So, while being a full-time mom is tough, in comparison to any other job I've had, its the best.
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