Word of the Year: 2016

For the past year, I've focused on my habits.  I wanted to become a healthier, more productive version of myself.  I think I've succeeded.  I changed calendars with my 6 year old last night, and felt good about ending 2015.  Then I lay in bed, listening to my neighbors set off their second round of fireworks (the first were around 8:30, apparently someone was too impatient to wait for midnight).  And I thought about what word should weave itself through the coming year.

Healthy eating

Something I've learned by changing my habits is VALUE:  the value of a glass of water over a can of Coke, the value of powering my body to run a 5K, the value of organizing my home, the value of creating something rather than consuming it.  As I sought to clean up my eating, I found that I had more energy.  That energy helped me to be more consistent with workouts, and actually following through with my Couch to 5K running program.  The time I spent running allowed me to listen to podcasts and think through ideas, which helped when I sat down to finish writing my second novel.  And I would probably still be procrastinating (instead of writing) if I hadn't joined a Clutter Free group and changed my desk from a general dump to a productive workspace.

Organizing and Unloading

I found that I have enough if I use what I have wisely.  There is enough space in our house (just under 1200 square feet) for a family of five, including 3 active and growing boys if we use the space correctly.  This means throwing away or donating most of the boxes in our basement to create a bike path for the kids to ride through the cold winter months.  It means sorting toys and storing them better.  It meant I finally had to take my clothes out of the closet in the boys' room (which had previously been Chris and my room) so that their stuff could fit and be accessible.  My project for the coming year in this area is going to start by sorting out the part of the master bedroom I didn't get to last year, so that we can reorganize our spare room into a bedroom for Mikey, and finally convert what has been a nursery for the past 8 years into a homework room and office space.  I was amazed with my decluttering project of 2015 at how I just have to convert what is already here into a useable space, instead of browsing real estate listings online and imagining myself in a new house.

Similarly, I wanted to make some changes for my body and overall health.  I had fallen into a pattern of dealing with the stress of caring for young children by eating lots of sugar and chili cheese fries, and yet I felt like I was losing my temper too much and just exhausted by life.  Now, maybe my children aging a few years has also contributed to the peace I've found this past year, but I'm guessing that using relaxation methods like exercise and meditation have also played their part.  So much has changed since I chose to stay home with my baby nearly nine (what?!) years ago.  I can sleep through the night, no one gets their nourishment from my body anymore, and for the first time, all my kids are enrolled in school.  The stop-gap measures I used in the past needed to go, and a new, healthier mom was able to emerge.  I didn't spend a bunch of money to get in shape.  I used a Jillian Michaels DVD ($7, purchased 2 years ago), hand weights ($5, also purchased 2 years ago), a Couch to 5K phone app ($5, purchased several years ago), new running sneakers and a few new shorts/tops (under $100 total).  And then I ate real food, purchased from the same grocery store that sells me Doritos and Coke and Zebra Cakes.  I drank water, which is way cheaper than pop, and vegetables that are less expensive than processed crap.  There's no secret or magic to getting in shape; you just lace up your shoes and get your butt out the door.

Through being more thoughtful and aware, I feel like I was able to be a better mom and wife.  This is good, because my kids are getting old enough to remember things like how I treat them and what we do for fun.  They've always made me more active than I want to be, but this year I felt like I was more present and able to think ahead and prepare for our adventures.  Instead of dreading summer break and bemoaning the days as the kids are stuck on screens, I made a plan of action, daily activities and places we would go to make our summer fun.  We had designated hours for watching TV and playing video games, and the rest of the time was spent playing outside or reading books or creating pictures. There was a time when I could only write when my children were asleep, but now I can get my work done while they're at school (mostly).  I still get angry, I still need to work on what I can control (my reaction), but I definitely feel like I've made progress, like the time I spend with my family has increased in value.

Making memories at the Magic Kingdom

So here's the goal for 2016:  bring value to my life.  Value my own body and mind enough to care for it properly.  Value my family by giving them my best, which includes attention and teaching and creating special memories.  Value my home by making it a place that everyone feels welcome, and making space for what our family needs.  Value my work by giving it time and consistent attention.  Value my community and the world by contributing to what makes it better, whether it is by continuing as a foster parent or possibly getting involved with child welfare in another role, whether it is financial contributions to organizations that are already making a difference or volunteering my time in some way.

How about you?  Do you make New Year's Resolutions or Goals?  Do you have a word for 2016?

Four Stages of Procrastinating

I spent 2015 trying to work on developing better habits.  I exercised more, I made better choices with food, I steadily worked on decluttering and being more organized.  I've even managed to be more awake in the mornings while I get the kids ready for school.  (No tardies!)  But something people may not realize about me is that I am a committed life-long procrastinator.

Especially since I published my first novel this year, I've been hearing the same thing from lots of people.  It centers around how amazing it is that I managed to do this on top of everything else: being a full-time mom, having other kids in my care (whether it's for a few hours or a few months), volunteering at church, and I don't even know what else.  Every time, I cringe a little.  I think about all the time I spent avoiding writing, all the days when I lost confidence and wondered what I was doing and wanted to give up.  It took me three years to finish that first book, but I know that I could have finished it much sooner if I hadn't spent so much time procrastinating.

Now that I'm nearing the final pages of my second novel, (completed in less than two years with a little more focus!) the desire to slack off and push the deadline has been strong.  So I thought I would break down the four stages of procrastination that I find myself cycling through.

1. Whirlwind When that blinking cursor begins to overwhelm me, the first thing I'll do is throw myself into family time.  I will be the most energetic mom, I will build Legos and play endless games of Candy Land, I will take the kids to the park or McDonald's or the library.  Anything to stay in motion, to convince myself that I'm making better use of my time.

2. Mindless drone Eventually, the kids go to school or bed or find something to play that doesn't involve me.  And rather than return to that waiting document, I'll find some super boring task that's been sitting undone for months.  Remember my decluttering project that I mentioned?  All completed while avoiding writing.  This is a great time to sort through the pile of junk mail or rearrange the cupboards or sort through the lotions and medicines in the bathroom.

3. Internet rabbit holes So at this point, you're probably thinking, Hey that doesn't sound bad.  So you take a break from creative work and engage with your family or clean your house--you're still being productive!  And I totally agree.  I tell myself that when I go back to the computer, I'll be more focused and ready to write again because I've just satisfied my other commitments.  Like making sure the house is pristine before leaving on vacation.  Then you can really enjoy your time away, knowing that everything is done.  Except I come back to the computer and decide to check Facebook.  Or Suri's Burn Book.  Or catch up on the blogs I follow.  Or price trips we might take once my book becomes a best-seller.  My husband calls this "falling into an internet rabbit hole", and as someone who loves to accumulate information, I can be there for hours.  Rarely do I accomplish anything productive or worthwhile once I've gotten to this stage.  This is when I click on links to celebrity gossip sites or research the British monarchy, none of which pertains to the book I'm writing.

4. Catatonic The fourth and final stage of procrastination finds me in hibernation mode.  I've given up pretending that I'm doing anything worthwhile, and retreated to the couch or bed.  I might go to sleep, but even rest can be refreshing, so usually in this stage, I binge watch something online and play stupid apps that I deleted from my phone, but are still loaded on the family iPad (looking at you, Candy Crush Saga).  I probably look like someone who is bored, who has nothing to do.  But I haven't felt bored since I had my first kid almost 9 years ago.  I actually get to this point when I am most overwhelmed, when the pressure, the tasks, the endless cycles of life are pressing in.

So 2015 has been a year of learning better habits.  In looking at the habits I have, the ones I unintentionally created over the years by default, I've learned more about myself.  I've realized the bad things I run to when I feel stressed, and I've made an effort to rewire my brain so that I choose good things instead.  Procrastination has been both a curse and a crutch for as long as I can remember, in college and high school and probably even before that.  It's not always a bad thing, like when it spurs me to spend more time with my kids.  But if I didn't put off my work, I wonder if I would be more like the other accomplished people I know.

As December winds down and 2016 approaches, I don't know what word I want to focus on in the new year.  But I would like to set some boundaries for myself.  Sometimes I need to go catatonic.  But when I withdraw, I need to set a timer for 30 minutes.  I've found that if I give myself half an hour to disengage and retreat, I can return to my task feeling better about life.  But if I just go catatonic without an extraction plan, I'll be out for the rest of the day.

I've also learned how to break up writing into manageable goals.  Many full-time writers can put out thousands of words a day, and I've done this myself when an idea hits or I have the support to write all day.  But most of the time, I am on duty for all the other people in my life.  I've found that all I have to do is write 500 words a day, which I can accomplish during gymnastics lessons or nap time.  And those words add up!  In January, I'm starting a new novel.  If I can stick to my 500 words a day goal, I'll have it finished by the time school lets out in May.  Writing in summer has been virtually impossible so far, and I know I'll have to give myself a few months off.  So I'm challenging myself to do in about 5 months what has taken me years in the past.  Procrastination, be gone!!  There will be no room for you next year.

Are you a procrastinator?  What goals are you setting for 2016?  Leave a comment!

2014 is Finished

Instead of making New Year's Resolutions this past year, I chose a word that I wanted to weave it's way throughout the year and define how I spent my time.  The word was finish.  In July, I wrote, "Because I'm good at quitting.  I've done that my whole life.  This is too hard.  This is confusing.  This is potentially great, which is even scarier than hard or confusing.  So I quit...It's time to stretch and be someone who can be counted on.  It's time to do the showing up, especially when it's hard.  It's time to stay engaged with my family, with my friends, with my passions."

2014 is over.  How did I do?  Well, I can honestly say that I finished.  I stuck with some things that were hard, I followed through with things that were scary, and I don't feel like a quitter anymore.  I finished a writing project and started a new one.  I ran/walked my first 5k.  I kept taking care of my foster daughter until the county decided to move her back with her birth family.  I read several books.  I hosted an If:Gathering.  I dyed a chunk of my hair blue.  But if I could pick a word for the past year with my hindsight glasses on, I would choose the word growth.  Because guess what happened when I resolved to finish?  I grew.  I learned more about myself, I realized that I can do some things I didn't know I could, I discovered those reserves that people always talk about.  And I learned how to refill myself after pouring it all out.  I learned that I needed to give and then retreat to a quiet place to receive.  I'm claiming victory over this year.

Dare to have blue hair

Now, what to choose for the new year...

Lately I've been kind of frustrated with myself.  I've been engaging in that negative self-talk that mental health professionals discourage.  Have you ever been advised to talk to yourself like you would a friend?  Because we'll be unkind and abusive and neglectful of ourselves, but when we talk to our friends we are encouraging and protective.  I've been thinking about that as I berate myself.  See, the new thing is I've made these realizations about the person I want to be, the way I want to live.  But it's been hard to change course and act on it.  But I'm a person of action, I tell myself.  Once I make up my mind, I follow through.  I want to eat healthier, but I still am drawn to that daily Coke and cupboard of candy.  I want to spend less on stupid stuff and save for the important things, but the savings account keeps losing money each month.  I want to live in a clutter-free house, but those hoarding genes stop me from throwing away the 20 drawings Winston made yesterday.

How would I talk to a friend who confessed this to me?  Certainly not how I've been talking to myself.  I would tell my friend it's okay to fail sometimes.  I would tell her that every day is another chance to get it right.  I would tell my friend that some habits are harder to break than others.  I would tell my friend to look at how far she's come already.  Because a year ago, I drank 3 (or more) Cokes a day.  A year ago, every stress in my day drove me to Sonic for a half-price soda or Wendy's for chili cheese fries or Walmart to make a frivolous purchase.  So I'm down to significantly less pop (and sugar and calories...) and about once a week I manage not to drink any at all.  When I feel stress, I practice deep breathing and pray and count to ten and walk away (mostly).  Most weeks I've stuck to my budgeting trick of only using a small amount of cash for fast food purchases, and then stopping once the money is gone.  So that's progress.  That's better than what it used to be.

Out with the old, in with the new

I would also tell my friend to look at my wonderful son James.  I would tell her about how we took him to the dentist for the first time about a year ago, because he really struggles with stuff that happens around his face and head (hair cuts, teeth cleaning, etc).  But we found a dentist willing to work with him to get the cleanings done and help him be comfortable.  That dentist found a cavity in one of his teeth and pulled it, as well as giving us orders to take better care of his mouth.  She asked us to: 1. Help him brush every day, 2. Use a fluoride rinse after brushing, and 3. Floss regularly.  I literally had to force the fluoride rinse in his mouth the first time.  My husband held him upright and I pinched his nose so he would have to open his mouth and then we dumped the rinse in, and he promptly spit it out.  We didn't give up, because it was more important that his adult teeth (growing in NOW) last and help him eat food for the next 70-80 years.  He used his fluoride rinse every day, and I kept battling him to floss.  And today?  He voluntarily brushes his teeth (mostly) and rinses, and he has even started helping me floss.  That's progress.  With consistency and continuity, good oral hygiene will be something he owns someday.  If a 7 year old is capable of changing over time and developing new habits, then so is his mother.

And this is how I came up with my word for 2015: habit.  Finishing and growing was great, but it's so last year.  Now I want to develop good habits.  I want the good things I know I should be doing to become regular parts of my life.  A year from now, I want to say that eating healthy foods and drinking water are so common place that I don't have to think about it.  I want to say that spending wisely is the only way I know to use my money.  So here we go...

Regret and Resolution

Last week marked the start of a New Year.  It's the time when we take some time to remember the past, when we begin to look ahead in the future, when we resolve to make changes.  I worked at a gym in high school and college, so I know how quickly many give up on their goals for the new year.  Every January, the workout room would be packed with people, and their numbers would dwindle until April, when the people who truly had a commitment to personal fitness were the only ones showing up.  They were the same faces I saw week after week, year after year.  My own resolutions tend to be financial.  This will be the year I don't get any library fines (already failed that one, with an overdue CD still in my car).  This will be the year we finally pay off our credit cards (despite being a recurring resolution, I KNOW 2014 is going to be the one!).  This will be the year I turn my little writing hobby into a paying job (although with four kids to take care of, actually finding time to finish that novel is going to be the biggest challenge).

Self Portrait

 

I think one of the purposes behind our New Year's Resolutions is to avoid regret.  So that this time next year, we can look back and say we didn't waste it.  This was the year that we turned things around, in our finances, in our health, in our relationships.  This was the year that I did things for me, instead of putting myself last.  But I don't regret putting other people's needs ahead of my own.  I don't regret all the times I make food for the kids, then realize hours later that I still haven't eaten.  I don't regret the path my life has taken, even if it means I'm somewhere different than I imagined.

Play doh creations

This is not to say I live without regrets.
I regret all the times I cared more about what other people thought than doing what I knew to be right.  Growing apart from friends whose opinion used to mean so much helped me see how much of my life had been lived to get someone else's approval.
I regret everything that I abandoned because it got hard.  I regret what remains unfinished.
I regret the narrow and shallow way I used to look at the world.  I regret the people I wrote off because they didn't seem good enough, able enough, cool enough.

Angry Birds: GO!

Something tells me 2014 is going to erase some of those regrets.  Not because I made a resolution on January 1st, but because my heart is being transformed daily. Because forgiveness and love are replacing achievement and regret.  Because I'm raising little children, which often means I'm learning way more than I'm teaching.  Because I've found a community, a Village, that links arms and carries the load and refuses to leave me behind. 

Not for Auld Lang Syne, but for a life without regret.  Happy 2014!