Buying Groceries and Natural Consequences

During our first year of marriage, Chris and I loved to go to the store together.  We would find new recipes to try and then go buy the ingredients.  We walked down the aisles together with hardly a care in the world (my memory might be making these trips more magical than they were).  We made our own pretzels and mozzarella sticks, we baked meatloaf and ranch chicken, we figured out which foods we both liked.  Then we started having babies.  I remember the first trip to the store after James and I came home from the hospital.  It took two days to get ready, I kid you not.  Because I was recovering from a C-section, Chris had to do the driving, and we spent the whole morning trying to get ready, nursing the baby, taking showers, nursing the baby, packing the diaper bag, nursing the baby, changing his diaper, nursing the baby, and boom, it was time for Chris to leave for work.  We managed to get there the next day, but I found walking around the store was like torture on my post-surgical body.  The baby and I were both ready to cry by the time we got everything we needed.  And that pretty much sums up our experience shopping as a family ever since.

So done

Sometimes we discover tricks to keep the kids happy while we shop, like the purchase of a $1 balloon at the entrance or a cookie when we pass the bakery.  But in general, the boys don't want to be there, and I get grouchy before we make it to the dairy aisle.  Promising a treat at the end of the trip, whether candy doled out in the car, an ice cream cone on the way home, or a trip to the park after, has been working for a while.  Yesterday, we headed out, all five of us, to load up on food for the coming week.  Despite our promise of Chipotle for dinner for the kids who were good listeners and well-behaved in the store, once we were inside, the younger two started bickering.  The whining and fussing was driving me crazy, as were the other adults walking past us and "hiding" their laughter as we asked the boys to stop fighting, to use big boy voices, to just be quiet.  When we reached the checkout, I swear steam was coming out of Chris' ears.

Then we got the question from the boys: "Are we going to Chipotle now?"  NO YOU ARE NOT.  Winston started to cry, Michael looked confused.  WE ARE MISERABLE FROM HAVING SPENT THE LAST 30 MINUTES WITH YOU.  "Why did I fight with my brother?" they cried.  "We don't get a treat!"  GOOD, we said.  REMEMBER THIS FEELING THE NEXT TIME WE GO TO THE STORE.  I was doing a little dance because that is what the experts call "natural consequences" and they are always saying that children learn best that way.  But part of me was also sad.  My tummy was growling and I was looking forward to a Chipotle dinner.  My kids were crying and a little voice whispered that I was being mean and depriving them.  I was glad for Chris, for my partner in raising these little people who helps me stay committed to the right thing even when it isn't the fun thing.

I think we can agree here: it's hard to watch your kids suffer.  Even when it is completely their fault.  Even when they know better.  Even when you gave them warnings and guidelines and were as clear as you possibly could be.  Even when they turned away from you and made bad choices.

Before I went to bed last night, I pulled out my Bible to continue reading the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament.  It was my plan this summer to read through all of Isaiah, but I've only read the first few chapters. (No spoilers!) Anyway, Isaiah begins with a prophecy of destruction for God's people.  This is the Old Testament, wrathful God that makes me uncomfortable.  The description of what is coming is not good, lots of gross, over the top violence and evil unleashed.  In the past, I have found it hard to reconcile this God with the loving Father God of the New Testament, the God who offers grace and mercy freely, the God who heals lepers and feeds the hungry and welcomes men, women, and children into his embrace.  This summer, I'm beginning to see the piece that I was missing, the part that connects OT God to NT God.  God created us in his image and he gave us the law to show us how to live, to control the spread of disease, to cherish life, to worship the one who made us.  Isaiah is very clear.  God's people have rejected his law, they have ignored his commands.  Like any concerned parent, God must give consequences.  It seems extreme to read, but my sons felt like missing out on Chipotle was pretty extreme.  It's human nature to think, Why can't I just keep doing what I want to do without having to suffer for it?

Everyone deserves a treat

But it doesn't end there, not for God, and not for me.  Because it hurts to see our kids hurt.  So there is this, in Isaiah 9: "Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever...The people who live in darkness will see a great light.  For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine."  No dark night, no punishment, no necessary destruction lasts forever.  With God, there is always sun in the morning, freedom for captives, a time to rebuild.  God's mercy is new every morning, or so Lamentations tells us.  There's another trip to the store next weekend, another chance to get Chipotle, a light in the darkness.  But my stubborn children (and my stubborn self) need those consequences, we need that pain to point us back to the light.  It's a lesson worth remembering that a charmed life served on a silver platter is not the way to bring peace or develop wisdom.  But leaning in to difficult moments and painful consequences can teach us to do better.