Am I Enough?

It is a new season of life for me, as school is starting up and I have the time and the opportunity to stretch beyond the home I've tended for the past eight years.  I have had lots of time to take in, to learn, to read and study, to prepare, but now it's time to go and do and step in front.  And I'm scared.

The question that haunts me most is this: Am I enough?  Am I smart enough?  No matter how many times I ask myself the question, I always get the same answer.  No.  I'm not.  Sure, I'm intelligent, and I can take in and remember new information.  I know quite a bit about some things.  But what I know is just a small sliver of what is knowable.  I keep encountering people who know so much about things that I am completely ignorant of.  And then there is the unknowable.  The stuff that none of us know, nor will any of us in our lifetime.  Stephen Hawking, genius that he is, doesn't know if space and time are bendable; he only has an idea, a theory.  Albert Einstein, likewise, came up with a theory of relativity, which is unable to be proved or disproved with our finite human understanding.  None of us know how the world came to be, whether it was from a big bang or the creation of a supreme being, or if it has merely existed always.  There's no way we can know these things.  So when I come face to face with this question of am I smart enough, the answer is no.  Neither in terms of what can be known and what will forever be unknown.

In Christ alone, my hope is found, he is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease.
My comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christ I stand.

But perhaps I can make up for my lack of knowledge by being good enough.  And so I examine all that I have ever done, all that has been done to me, the way I respond in times of stress, my motivations, my deepest, darkest secrets.  Once again, I have to answer in the negative.  I am not good enough.  Of course I'm not!  What person, in a moment of honesty, can claim to be good enough on their own?  There are times when I stumble upon the right thing, the moral thing, the kind thing, but there are far more times when I act out of my impatience, my insecurity, my selfishness.  There are some days when goodness seems to be the very opposite of what I am capable of.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe;
This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones he came to save.
Til on that Cross, as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ I live.

A new question springs up, especially lately, in the rooms that I have been in, the people I have sat across from, the places I have stood:  Am I qualified enough?  This is followed by hysterical laughter in my mind, and sometimes even escaping into an audible form.  Absolutely not!  I have NO qualifications for what I am doing.  I do not have the experience, the credentials, the titles that would qualify me for any of it.  I am a stay at home mother with an unused degree in International Relations and an unimpressive CV.  Almost anyone is more qualified than me, I think.

There in the ground his body lay, light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave he rose again!
And as he stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am his and he is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ.

And so, as shallow and inconsequential as it may be, I wonder if I'm pretty enough?  Even though I don't know enough, don't have the goodness needed or the qualifications that are preferred, maybe I can convince people to listen to me and follow me if only I am pretty enough or charming enough to distract them from what I lack.  Human beauty is defined by the symmetry and striking contrast between features.  Consequently, I am not pretty enough.  My face is crooked, my eyes different sizes, my lips barely a shade darker than the skin surrounding them, my belly still soft from carrying children years ago, my hair both limp and frizzy.  No, my looks will not be my saving grace.

No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hand;
Til he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Therefore, I am certain of the answer to my question.  I am not enough.  As it turns out, that is fine, and actually, quite expected.  I don't think any of us will ever find that we feel like enough on our own.  But I don't do this alone, these new ventures, these uncharted waters.  If you couldn't guess from the song lyrics, it is by following Jesus that my path presents itself.  So it isn't my abilities or self-sufficiency that need to be enough; it is HIS.  Jesus qualifies me, Jesus covers my blind spots and Jesus' goodness more than fills in where mine is lacking.  It is Jesus' sacrifice that saves me, Jesus who sits next to the throne of God in heaven and beckons me to take refuge in him.

The question then becomes not about what I possess but about where I stand.  Do I stand in the power of Christ?  Do I live as one who has been bought with his blood?  Do I accept the love that he so freely gives?  Do I shine a light, not so that others can see me, but so they can see him?