Am I a Good Mom?

When I became a mother eight years ago, I was kind of obsessed with this one question: Am I a good mom?  It's something people would say when they saw me playing with my sons at the park or comforting them when they fell.  "You're such a good mom."  But I doubted them.  They didn't see me sitting at home, holding my new baby and wondering if this was all there was.  They didn't see me lose my temper at 3am when my toddler woke me up wanting to watch cartoons.  They didn't see me in the midst of crying children wishing I was anywhere but there.  Those moments made me feel like I wasn't doing it right, like I was a defective Mommy.

There are so many aspects of raising children to cover.  We want them to develop physically and spiritually and emotionally.  We want them to have good manners and make good grades and find good friends.  We worry about their health and what they eat and whether today's sunburn will turn into skin cancer in 20 years.  And I'm willing to bet (based on my own personal experience) that at any given moment, moms feel like they are getting it all wrong and ruining their children's lives.  No matter what other people tell us, our friends, husbands, even strangers, we don't feel like good moms because we know we are dropping the ball somewhere.

Here's the thing ladies...none of us can do it all.  We are all choosing to prioritize a few things over the rest.  I choose to focus on what my kids are learning and their emotional development, while my friend does great at feeding her kids healthy food and strengthening the family bond.  I know another mom who creates beautiful experiences for her children, who is dedicated to creating memories and protecting the purity of childhood.  There are other moms whose children have chronic health issues, and they choose to combat germs and research surgeries and hold vigils in hospital rooms while their children receive treatment.  And every one of us is doing a great job.

Instead of asking myself if I'm a good mom, and comparing myself to all these amazing women I know, seeing all the ways that I fall short of their mothering abilities, I've found a new question.  At the end of the day, as I am falling peacefully to sleep (...or passing out in the middle of a Gilmore Girls episode), I ask myself if I did what was best for me and my people.  Did I give my children what they needed--food, hugs, attention, correction?  Did I give myself what I needed--food, quiet, hugs, contentment?  Is my house still standing?  Is everyone still breathing?  Then I can hang my hat on a day well spent.  If I was able to control my temper or finish the day with a glass of wine, that's a bonus.  If I managed to transform dirty clothes into clean ones, I give myself a pat on the back.  If I carved out time to have a conversation with my husband, and maybe some kisses or whatever, then I am killing it.

I was never meant to do everything perfectly all the time.  That's just not reality.  I am meant for this life, for the people in my home and the ones who cross my path.  I am not supposed to imitate the awesome mom down the street or mold myself into some societal image of womanhood.  And neither are you.  So stand tall and with a loud voice proclaim: Today I took a shower! I rule!  I went to the store and didn't lose a single kid! I'm awesome!  I played Candy Land for the 8th time and didn't check my Instagram feed! I am a good mom!  I went to work and provided for my family! I'm freaking amazing!

And when you see the other moms in your life sweating as they push that double stroller to the park or fumbling in her purse for the thing her kid is screaming for or sitting at McDonald's Playland feeding her baby while the older kids run around, tell her she's doing a good job.  Even though she won't believe you.