2014 is Finished

Instead of making New Year's Resolutions this past year, I chose a word that I wanted to weave it's way throughout the year and define how I spent my time.  The word was finish.  In July, I wrote, "Because I'm good at quitting.  I've done that my whole life.  This is too hard.  This is confusing.  This is potentially great, which is even scarier than hard or confusing.  So I quit...It's time to stretch and be someone who can be counted on.  It's time to do the showing up, especially when it's hard.  It's time to stay engaged with my family, with my friends, with my passions."

2014 is over.  How did I do?  Well, I can honestly say that I finished.  I stuck with some things that were hard, I followed through with things that were scary, and I don't feel like a quitter anymore.  I finished a writing project and started a new one.  I ran/walked my first 5k.  I kept taking care of my foster daughter until the county decided to move her back with her birth family.  I read several books.  I hosted an If:Gathering.  I dyed a chunk of my hair blue.  But if I could pick a word for the past year with my hindsight glasses on, I would choose the word growth.  Because guess what happened when I resolved to finish?  I grew.  I learned more about myself, I realized that I can do some things I didn't know I could, I discovered those reserves that people always talk about.  And I learned how to refill myself after pouring it all out.  I learned that I needed to give and then retreat to a quiet place to receive.  I'm claiming victory over this year.

Dare to have blue hair

Now, what to choose for the new year...

Lately I've been kind of frustrated with myself.  I've been engaging in that negative self-talk that mental health professionals discourage.  Have you ever been advised to talk to yourself like you would a friend?  Because we'll be unkind and abusive and neglectful of ourselves, but when we talk to our friends we are encouraging and protective.  I've been thinking about that as I berate myself.  See, the new thing is I've made these realizations about the person I want to be, the way I want to live.  But it's been hard to change course and act on it.  But I'm a person of action, I tell myself.  Once I make up my mind, I follow through.  I want to eat healthier, but I still am drawn to that daily Coke and cupboard of candy.  I want to spend less on stupid stuff and save for the important things, but the savings account keeps losing money each month.  I want to live in a clutter-free house, but those hoarding genes stop me from throwing away the 20 drawings Winston made yesterday.

How would I talk to a friend who confessed this to me?  Certainly not how I've been talking to myself.  I would tell my friend it's okay to fail sometimes.  I would tell her that every day is another chance to get it right.  I would tell my friend that some habits are harder to break than others.  I would tell my friend to look at how far she's come already.  Because a year ago, I drank 3 (or more) Cokes a day.  A year ago, every stress in my day drove me to Sonic for a half-price soda or Wendy's for chili cheese fries or Walmart to make a frivolous purchase.  So I'm down to significantly less pop (and sugar and calories...) and about once a week I manage not to drink any at all.  When I feel stress, I practice deep breathing and pray and count to ten and walk away (mostly).  Most weeks I've stuck to my budgeting trick of only using a small amount of cash for fast food purchases, and then stopping once the money is gone.  So that's progress.  That's better than what it used to be.

Out with the old, in with the new

I would also tell my friend to look at my wonderful son James.  I would tell her about how we took him to the dentist for the first time about a year ago, because he really struggles with stuff that happens around his face and head (hair cuts, teeth cleaning, etc).  But we found a dentist willing to work with him to get the cleanings done and help him be comfortable.  That dentist found a cavity in one of his teeth and pulled it, as well as giving us orders to take better care of his mouth.  She asked us to: 1. Help him brush every day, 2. Use a fluoride rinse after brushing, and 3. Floss regularly.  I literally had to force the fluoride rinse in his mouth the first time.  My husband held him upright and I pinched his nose so he would have to open his mouth and then we dumped the rinse in, and he promptly spit it out.  We didn't give up, because it was more important that his adult teeth (growing in NOW) last and help him eat food for the next 70-80 years.  He used his fluoride rinse every day, and I kept battling him to floss.  And today?  He voluntarily brushes his teeth (mostly) and rinses, and he has even started helping me floss.  That's progress.  With consistency and continuity, good oral hygiene will be something he owns someday.  If a 7 year old is capable of changing over time and developing new habits, then so is his mother.

And this is how I came up with my word for 2015: habit.  Finishing and growing was great, but it's so last year.  Now I want to develop good habits.  I want the good things I know I should be doing to become regular parts of my life.  A year from now, I want to say that eating healthy foods and drinking water are so common place that I don't have to think about it.  I want to say that spending wisely is the only way I know to use my money.  So here we go...