The Benefit of the Doubt

#YesAllWomen

I have always had guy friends.  I have enjoyed the company of these boys and men over the years.  I love how guys are accepting in ways that women aren't, particularly about what you wear or what you eat or your desire to get messy.  But as an adult, I've realized that there are some things about guys that I really don't like, and it mostly centers on how you fellas treat women that you don't know. While the men who are my friends listen to me and speak to me respectfully, strangers definitely do not.  I have been called ugly names, had rude gestures directed at myself, and even been forced to endure unwanted touches.

Now guys, I love you, I really do.  I'm raising a couple of you at the moment.  I'm married to one of you.  So I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe you really don't know any better.  Maybe you think you're delivering a compliment as you hang out your car window and shout at that good-looking lady.  I certainly hope so, as the alternative is that you have little to no respect for the gender that makes up more than half of our population.  It means that you actually think that we are less than you: less human, less intelligent, and less complex in our emotions.  If that's true, then this guide is going to make no difference.  But if you are a caring man who desires to have positive interactions with women, please read on.

1. Compliments
I used to work in customer service, so I have had countless face to face interactions with people.  One that sticks out occurred at the bank where I was a teller.  A man who was a frequent customer came in one day and, as I counted out his money, he said, "That sweater looks really nice on you."  Now, this happened to be a very good-looking man, and even though I am a happily married woman, this compliment made me blush from head to toe.  The way he said it was so thoughtful.  It conveyed that he liked my appearance in a way that was respectful and didn't cross any boundaries of normal human conduct.  I thanked him and gave him his money and continued to have good feelings every time I saw him.

Counterpoint: But if I see a nicely dressed woman as I am driving by, I can't take the time to convey to her in a thoughtful and respectful manner that I like her appearance.  Is it okay in that instance to yell out "Hey sexy mama!" or something similar?

Good point.  This type of interaction requires face to face contact, and at least a full minute in order to convey the message and receive feedback.  Therefore, you should infer that it is never acceptable to holler at a stranger from a car or other moving vehicle.  This rule extends to any sort of one-sided shouting scenario.  Don't yell across the street.  Don't make a gesture to imply that you would be open to having sex with this person that you don't even know.  Don't whistle.  Just don't.

Try to imagine what it's like to be us.  We are constantly on alert for muggers and purse-snatchers and rapists and kidnappers.  We are given "gifts" like whistles and pepper spray when we go out into the world on our own.  Maybe we have already experienced trauma from a boyfriend or relative or stranger.  And now we are minding our own business, walking to work or school or a doctor's appointment, and some lunatic comes by yelling.  That alone can be jarring.  But then your words sink in.  You've reduced us to an object, stripped us of our humanity in this public place, possibly in the presence of our children (*Let me digress for a moment about this: most of my upsetting encounters have occurred in the presence of my boys.  SHAME ON YOU for exposing them to this disgusting behavior, and for violating their mother in their presence.  I want my boys to be better than this.).

My point: This is not a compliment.  See the bank scenario above and try to be more like that guy.

2. Physical Touch
While at another job working with the public, a man asked me out on a date.  We stood across a counter from each other, and he basically said, "Hey, would you like to go out sometime?"  As much as I liked his approach, I told him no, mostly because another guy had already used this tactic a few years before and that guy was my boyfriend and is currently my husband.  Since the relationship was good and getting serious, I obviously didn't want to mess that up by dating someone else.  I told him as much and he said, "Okay," and we continued to see each other at my work without too much awkwardness.

Counterpoint: That story has nothing to do with physical touch.

You're absolutely right!  I'm glad I gave you the benefit of the doubt; you are a smart guy.  This story doesn't include any physical touch because....just don't touch a woman you don't know!!  I can tell you plenty of unwanted touch stories, ranging from the rude and creepy to the (no joke) criminal.  I have been groped at clubs and wanted to slouch out from under arms that held me in place.  I have been spit on (yes really) and had things thrown at me.  None of these instances was pleasant.  None of these moments were the jumping off point to a consensual sexual encounter.  The common theme is that each of these guys avoided any personal vulnerability while forcing me into that position.  The guy who asked me out at my work at least put me in a position of power.  I could say yes or I could say no.  And if I'd been single and looking to mingle, I probably would have had a different answer.

My point: When is it okay to initiate physical contact with a woman?  When you know her.  I love hugs and high fives and even the presence of my guy friends and relatives.  With these men, I can shrug off an accidental boob graze.  Because I know it wasn't on purpose.

Like I said, guys, I like you!  I know it can seem difficult to figure out how to make contact with the opposite sex, how to go from strangers to friends or even lovers.  There has been so much bad blood between our genders, and no one really bothers to explain why its not okay to rub up against a beautiful woman on the subway.  It feels good to you, I know!  But it really, really doesn't feel good to her.  In fact, it feels violating and dehumanizing.  And that brief thrill is all you're going to get from her.  But if you approached her, made yourself vulnerable instead, asked her about the book she's reading or told her how beautiful she looks, you might get an even better thrill: actual human interaction.  Maybe she'll smile at you, accept your invitation to get coffee, kiss you, and maybe someday she'll even let you rub up against her.  Set your sights higher than the momentary thrill, and give some dignity to your fellow human beings.

If you have the time and inclination, read through the #YesAllWomen posts on twitter.  I am not alone.  This kind of behavior needs to stop NOW, and you have the power to change it.