On Temptation

So the hubs and I got a date night this past weekend.  It was glorious to get in the car without having to buckle anyone in, to drive to the movie theater and order popcorn to share, to sit and laugh and talk through the previews without being interrupted.  We watched a (live-action!) movie.  We went out to dinner.  And with a tummy full of good food and giddy with all the freedom of the night, I whipped out my phone and started researching diet cleanses.  Because...well, I'm not really sure why, actually. It was something that we talked about back in July, with the hubs expressing some interest in the idea, which also kind of sounded interesting to me.  We both suck at the whole "healthy eating" thing.  We are both content to drink pop and eat grilled cheese sandwiches with chips, then follow this delicious meal with ice cream.  But lately we've seen the necessity of curbing our excesses in the food department.  It's been tough, let me tell you.  Replacing delicious, sugary treats with say, carrot sticks, is no fun.  Drinking that daily allotment of water (64 oz!) leaves little room for lattes or Cherry Coke.

And somehow, in the heady final moments of our kid-free time, we agreed to try a three day cleanse.  I found some recipes on a women's running website for an 1,800 calorie a day meal plan.  This seemed smarter than a liquid cleanse, since we have grown up responsibilities that require us to not get completely loopy (besides which, we all learned from growing up watching Oprah that weight loss from liquid diets won't stay off).  This plan promised to remove five pounds in the three day time frame, which would be awesome for me and a nice bump for the hubs, who has been steadily losing weight for the past year.  We went to the store and stocked up on veggies and seeds and nuts, which totaled less than our usual weekly trip. Nice!  On Sunday, I began cooking so the hubs could pack his lunch the next morning.  The first problem was when I went to make the Carrot Ginger soup.  I HATE cooked carrots.  They have made me gag every single time I've eaten them, which was quite a few times in childhood, since my mom couldn't take a hint that they were making me barf.  I thought, maybe the other veggies and spices will mask the taste.  Maybe it won't be so bad.  But when lunchtime rolled around on Monday, and I was so hungry after the pitiful breakfast of flaxseeds and almond milk (didn't get the fruit that day, my son swiped it while I was packing lunches), the cooked carrot taste was overwhelming.  Not to mention that what actually gives food FLAVOR, you know, like taste good, that comes from stuff like meat, salt, and sugar.  This diet is lacking those umami elements, if you will allow me to be pretentious and use my limited knowledge from Food Network.

The salad part of the meals was pretty good, especially when I added avocado.  Mmm, I'm a Texas girl deep down, and I love me some avocado!  We are also in the good apple season here, so I enjoyed my afternoon snack of King David apples from our local orchard.  But mostly, I didn't really enjoy the food.  It didn't taste good, it didn't fill me up, and then my caffeine-deprivation headache set in.  All I could think about were meaty, melted cheese sandwiches, thick frosting on yummy cupcakes, salty chips, fizzy pop.  All the food I was going without danced a conga line through my mind non-stop, and my mouth was on perpetual salivation mode.  Which finally brings me to the topic at hand: Temptation.  Oh boy, have I been tempted this week.  I've been tempted to quit the cleanse.  I've been tempted to sneak something while my husband is at work, thinking about going out with the cash in my wallet so he doesn't see a charge to Wendy's pop up in the bank account, the Pringles in the cupboard, even a freaking peanut butter and jelly sandwich when the kids have their afternoon snack.  I have wanted so badly to forego the deprivation and sacrifice, because it's hard, and besides, this whole thing was voluntary (and my idea, says the hubs).

How often in my life have I really resisted temptation?  How often have these mental images flooded my mind and I've powered through and persisted?  I'm thinking not very much.  Because, see, I think of something like drug use, this terrible thing that sinks its claws so deeply into a person's life, this constant temptation, and I say, well I've never done drugs.  But I leave out the part where I've never been tempted to do drugs.  It really doesn't sound very appealing to me.  And it's not like I've spent much time around them or people doing them.  Those are just the facts of my life.  So does that make me some amazing person?  Because I never did something that it never crossed my mind to do?  NO! You know who is amazing?  My son's first mom, who spent her adult life in the throes of one addiction or another, and in just a few weeks she will be celebrating one year of sobriety.  She has fought these urges, these temptations, she has forged new pathways for her brain and her life and how she sees herself and she has become a new person.  That's amazing.  And that's not me.

My vices are more socially acceptable, sure.  People just kind of shrug and don't look too closely when food is your addiction, when emotional upsets send you to the cupboard or the fast-food drive thru, when your weight balloons and your clothes no longer fit (especially if we can offer up the excuse "I've just had a baby!").  But why not?  I mean, food problems can be equally destructive to our health as drug or alcohol abuse.  Food can take control of our lives, our finances, can become a master that we must serve.  And I've been thinking lately about all of this, the food and the temptations and the struggle, and I asked myself, Have I ever had a passing thought about french fries and not immediately driven to Wendy's?  Have I ever been thirsty and reached past the Cherry Coke for a nice, cold water?  I couldn't think of a single time when I've made the good choice, the healthy choice, in the face of temptation.

So now I'm trying.  I am actively engaged in the battle against my food demons.  Some days I want so badly to slip back into the old way, the unconscious, stuff my face way.  But it's not possible once you've woken up to fall so quickly back to sleep.  I think about how many grams of sugar are in my drink.  I remember the healthy foods waiting for me at home as I drive past the restaurants.  I think about what a struggle it is to run when my body is full of saturated fats and salty foods.  Among all the terrible elements of this cleanse, I've actually felt fine energy wise.  I was pretty sleepy the first day and got a long night's sleep without any caffeine or sugar to keep me awake.  But my body feels good.  I finally drank a Pepsi today to get rid of the headache from my withdrawal, and I ate some toast around 1 am so I could fall asleep instead of laying in bed listening to my tummy growl.  Tonight we are allowed to eat meat, and I am so excited.  I'm looking forward to feeling full, and I'm glad the cleanse will be over.  But the hubs and I both agree this has given us some ideas for ways we can integrate more healthy foods into our regular eating habits.  ("The salad is actually pretty good, just leave out the kale," he told me today.  No argument here.)  And tomorrow morning, when the wide world of food is once again open to me, I think I'll have some oatmeal and fruit.  It's a long way from the Snickers and SnoBalls that used to start my day.