For Better or Worse

I recently found a copy of my wedding vows while cleaning our bookshelf.  We didn't want to use the traditional vows, vows I recently learned were written by Thomas Cranmer in 1549.  So we spent an afternoon looking through marriage books until we discovered words that fit the marriage we wanted to have.  And we pledged:

I take you to be my spouse, and these things I promise you...

I will be faithful to you and honest with you; 

I will respect, trust, help, and care for you;

I will share my life with you; 

I will forgive you as we have been forgiven;

And I will try with you to better understand ourselves, the world, and God;

Through the best and worst of what is to come as long as we live.

I like the vows we chose, maybe even more now than the day we first read them huddled together at a table in the bookstore.  At the time, it sounded like the kind of marriage I wanted to have, a life that was shared, open minds exploring the world together, with honesty, respect, and trust as the foundation.  But I didn't really know how to live the vows, or how much they would be put to the test.

I didn't know what the best would be, that in marriage the best is the absolute BEST that life has to offer.  I didn't know what it would be like inside that union of two lives.  When marriage is good, it surpasses anything else in the world.  It is better than hot fudge sundaes, better than blue skies and warm sunshine, better than sleeping in.  We all desire to be known in this life, and when my husband looks at me and tells me exactly what I'm thinking, when he correctly identifies my mood, that deepest desire is met.  He gets me!  When we are sitting across the table, delicious food between us, and my belly aches from laughing so hard, but he just keeps going, I have found a joy that goes beyond happiness.  When we find each other and our limbs are entwined and the world around us falls away, I am delighted that we fit together in this perfect, beautiful way.  And when that union creates a life inside me, when my body stretches and grows and he is there every day, wiping my tears and holding my hair and procuring the very food that my body is craving, I am cared for.  Suddenly this little life lies between us, a life we created out of our love, and feeling the warm weight of our child on my chest as I look into the eyes of my husband is the very best of what can come.  These moments come again and again over the years, the wonder and the laughter and the connection and the acknowledgement that we created that.  On my wedding day, I had no idea that these were the bests that were to come.

I was also unprepared for the worsts.  Because when marriage gets bad, it is the absolute WORST that life has to offer.  Once we pronounce our vows and triumphantly exit the church, everything in our lives is now in the hands of another person.  And each of us is imperfect.  The reason this vow exists in the first place is to recognize that something bad will happen.  The person who knows you best will hurt you worst.  The fears and insecurities you reveal can be used against you.  The shortcomings and blind spots you aren't even aware of will be exposed.  The person who shares your home and your bed and your bank account will be selfish.  It will hurt more than anything, more than surgery, more than death, more than a friend's betrayal.  It will break your heart.  You will read through your vows and it will make you cry, because in the worst they can't protect you from each other.  Hurt and angry, you will realize that the hardest one to keep is the pledge to forgive.  Because you have been forgiven freely and instantly, but your heart has grasped your spouse's crimes and refuses to let them go.  For all that lies broken between you, you will wonder if it is time to make the final break, the one from which there is no return.  Because if we exult in the best of times, how can we bail in the worst of them?

Mostly what I have learned is that marriage is often a mix of the two, like the chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream that my son always requests.  Each bite contains some best times and some worst times.  One of my best and favorite memories is the day we spent in Gettysburg, at the Civil War Museum.  But we were only there because our car had broken down during our trip to Eastern Pennsylvania, and we had to stay an extra day while it was repaired.  Another stand out is the day we thought Michael would leave our family, and in our anguish we held each other all night.  Our hearts and minds were one in our grief.  When I was pregnant with Winston, Chris was making me laugh so hard that I started crying.  But then suddenly I was crying, tears flowing, loud sobs crying.  He was stricken and desperate to know what went wrong, and I was frustrated because nothing was actually wrong except my hormones had swung out of control.  We have experienced moments of doubt and triumph, of anger and love, we have lived through successes and failures.  We have broken our vows and we have upheld our vows.  We have climbed the highest mountains and we have stumbled through the lowest valleys.

As far as I can tell, that's a marriage.  It is fun and it is hard.  It is challenging and it is peaceful.  It is satisfying and it is disappointing.  It is the best and it is the worst.  It is ours.