Papa doesn't live here anymore...

Three days ago, I told my mom that I would speak at Papa's funeral.  No problem, I thought.  I can keep it together and represent our family in the service.  But today, when my moment came, it was a struggle.  Not because "I'll be Missing You" played on the radio as I drove to the church.  Not because of the open casket.  Because just before my time up front, we sang a hymn, one of his favorites.  And I heard it.  The huge, empty silence hovering over the middle of the room, just above where Grandma stood.  Every time I have been in church with my grandparents, I have heard his voice rise above all the others, deep and strong and full of melody.  That was when I finally understood:  Papa isn't here anymore.

There is a vacuum, like the reverend said.  There is a hole in our family, a void in our hearts.  But even though he is gone, there are memories, stories and moments and images that we can cling to and remember that we were loved.

Every person at the calling hours, the service, everyone who wanted to there but couldn't make it, each of our lives were touched by this man.  Jonathan reminded us all that he was so proud of his family, that he looked forward to being a part of the moments of our lives.  With 15 grandchildren and 13 great-grandchildren, it was a full-time job.

He lives on in the faces of his grandchildren.  His work can still be seen around the farm that he tended for more than 60 years.  His commitment and fidelity is evidenced by the gold ring Grandma passed around to show us last night.  Papa was worth celebrating.  His sister-in-law remarked that he was a father whose children remembered him fondly, because he raised them with a steady hand.  His brother said that more than siblings, they were friends, with 81 years of stories to tell.  And what better way for us to honor him, and his memory, than to stand up, with Nathan leading on guitar, and sing like never before, oh my soul, and worship the one who redeemed us, the one who prepared a place for Papa to live.  Because he doesn't live here anymore.

The "Navy soldiers" folding the flag for Grandma