Catching Negative Thoughts

Yesterday I had the privilege to attend a seminar for Parents and Educators of children with Special Needs. I thought it would be helpful as we make decisions for James' future education, like if he should go to Kindergarten in the fall or do another year of preschool. The keynote speaker, Jennifer Krummins, was truly phenomenal. I felt like we could have spent a whole week together, with her giving me advice and encouragement, and it still would not have been enough. Among the many useful topics she discussed about raising a special needs child was concerning negative thoughts that parents think which hinder their ability to help their child. It really stayed with me, as it is a huge problem that I have, and since it is my thoughts and not something I often say aloud, I don't hear positive reinforcement to counter-act it. Jennifer advised writing down the negative thoughts that go through my mind, then listing thoughts that contradict them to help change the recording I keep playing in my head. So here goes:
1. This is my fault.
2. Why is this happening to me/us?
3. I don't know what I am doing.
4. I am a bad mom and shouldn't be allowed to make decisions for my child.
5. There is no place for my child in his school, at church, in public.
6. My son will never have friends, other kids will be mean to him, I can't protect him.

Unfortunately, some of these messages have been reinforced by other people, either by judgmental attitudes that I encounter or directly speaking them to me. My husband (best husband ever, remember?) tells me to ignore these people, but he doesn't seem to understand how they are just echoing thoughts I already have, which then gives those thoughts credibility. He tries to help think positively, but its easier to believe the bad ones. Some things that Chris says:
1. I'm a good mom.
2. We make good decisions about what is best for James, and we know best how to help him.
3. Its not possible to separate James and all the wonderful things about him from his delays, why would we want to?
4. Intervention has helped James already, and he will only continue to share more and more of himself with us as he becomes able.
And this weekend, I was told
5. Parenting a child like James is a privilege, not a problem. The challenges that arise from raising a child with special needs is an opportunity to grow, not a thorn with which to contend.

A woman I spoke with during a break told me that as my son's mother, I am doing what is best for him, and I just need to trust my instincts. I promptly burst into tears and had to walk away, because I couldn't even hear her words as encouragement, it felt like a slap to all my self-criticism and self-doubt. Maybe someday I will be able to offer words like that to another mom who needs to hear someone say something nice about her or her child, but right now I am still so raw and shell-shocked that I can't even imagine being that collected.

Yesterday was a really emotional day for me. It made me confront the things I try so hard to pretend don't bother me.