A year ago, I was optimistic. I chose the word RENEWAL as my theme for 2018. I intended to return to the practices that made me healthy, the things that worked, to rededicate my energy to the people in my life.
Then my marriage imploded.
Instead of renewal, I spent the year feeling as though someone had chosen to dive off a cliff, and my children and myself were attached to him, falling as well.
It's been a long, long way down.
I've spent more time this year in prayer, reading my Bible, and searching for answers, than any other time in my life. I saw a meme recently that said something about how hardships make you grow. Apparently hardship can also make you double down on the fantasy that you are somehow a victim in a mess you created entirely, but in my case, it has served as a refining fire.
This year has led to a number of changes in my life, but one constant has been my Bible study (www.bsfinternational.org). In September, we began studying People of the Promised Land. We read through Joshua, Ruth, and 1 Samuel. I read Judges on my own, because I couldn't handle jumping books. This year's study has focused on individuals, people God used to advance His Kingdom and lead His Chosen People. There was Joshua, who I wrote about back in the spring, Ruth, the scandalous foreigner who entered into the family line of the Messiah, Samuel, the bold prophet, and Saul, the corrupt king. We ended 2018 learning about a young David, a shepherd boy, a musician, a mighty warrior, a man after God's own heart.
We read about David's battle with Goliath, his anointing as the next king, and how that caused him to run afoul of Saul, the current king. As we read these stories in 1 Samuel, we also began reading some of the Psalms that David wrote. In our final meeting of the year, we read Psalm 34, which David wrote while hiding in caves and terrified that he would be murdered. It's a passage I've read through many times this year.
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."
David had real, pressing fears. He wasn't safe in his own country, and due to his fame as a warrior, he wasn't safe among the neighboring lands where he had killed enemies in battle.
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles."
Even as he ran, even as he hid, even as every place he had known became treacherous, David believed that God saw him, that God heard him. That God would deliver him.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
This is a truth I've learned well this year. God's presence has been intimately close, His words a comfort, His spirit the only thing telling me to not give up. Because there are a thousand different ways to give up, to give in, to let the rest of my world crash down. It would have been so much easier to set it all on fire (whether you interpret that literally or figuratively) than to continue looking for the next right thing.
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him."
There was no earthly place where David was safe, where he could rest or let down his guard. And yet he found refuge in his relationship with God. In the midst of heartache and fear, death threats and troubles, David proclaimed that THE LORD IS GOOD.
Life is not always good.
Relationships are not always good.
Finances or jobs or health are not always good.
Ministering to people, or following a calling, is not always good.
As I was reminded on Christmas Eve, when our joy, or hope, or peace, is found in temporary, earthly things (even if those things aren't wrong or bad in and of themselves), then our joy, or hope, or peace, can always be taken away. Finding joy as a wife or mother can be taken from me. Finding joy in cooking with others can be taken from me. Looking for hope in relationships or ministry can be taken from me. Expecting peace from family or work or financial security can be taken from me.
The Lord is good.
The Lord is eternal and everlasting.
The Lord is a refuge.
The Lord is a protector, a deliverer, a provider.
"Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together...Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."
