Sacrificial Love 13 Years In

I left my house between the conclusion of homework and the beginning of bedtimes tonight.  A young woman from my church invited me to speak to a group of RAs at our local Christian college about what I was reading in the Bible lately.  I accepted the invitation because I love to talk and especially I love to talk about the Bible.  So I sat down with these women and we read through Romans 12, a chapter chock full of relationship advice and descriptions of sacrificial love.

"...in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice..."

I didn't mention that today is my 13th wedding anniversary.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

As I left the house, I wondered, Is it hypocritical to ask your husband to put the kids to bed on his own on your anniversary so you can discuss sacrifice to a group of college students?  The answer that came back?  Probably.

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought..."

Probably I should have stayed home.  Probably I should have been excited about the passing of another year of marriage.  Probably I should have been having an honest conversation with my husband instead of a group of (mostly) strangers.

"...but rather think of yourself with sober judgment."

I started off talking about selfishness.  We are all born self-focused, because we can't even meet our own needs, much less think of or give to another.  We spend our childhoods completely obsessed with ourselves, culminating in the most self-centered developmental stage:  adolescence.  I can remember as a teenager feeling certain that EVERYONE was looking at me, that everyone could see whatever perceived minor flaw I was focused on that day.  What a shock to get older and realize that we could have done whatever we wanted in those days, because NO ONE was paying attention to anyone else. We were all consumed with our own inner drama.

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us."

I can also distinctly remember times when I was in college and felt so glad that I didn't have kids, that I was single and only responsible to myself.  I felt like I got a bonus selfish period, a few years after school but before marriage and family life forced me to flush out all that self-centeredness.  My time, my money, my body, and my possessions were simply MINE.  I did not share.  I did not take other people into consideration.  I look back fondly on those days.

"If it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach."

Because what came next--sharing my life and my home with my husband--it has been much harder.  It has required me to think of someone else.  I had to make room for another person in all those areas that used to be exclusively mine.  And that does not come naturally to me.  If we're being honest, it doesn't come naturally to any of us.

"Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil, cling to what is good."

We all know that adults should be responsible, considerate, giving, gracious, SACRIFICIAL.  Adults should be able to take care of each other and any children they bring into the world, as well as keeping plants and animals alive and performing light household repairs.  But look around.  Look in the mirror.  It doesn't just happen.  We don't wake up on our 18th or 22nd or 35th or 58th birthdays and suddenly know how to put other people's needs ahead of our own.  I spent the last week in Family Court and I'm ready to give up on humanity.

"Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves."

In fact, at this moment, I believe Paul's words to the Roman church more than ever.  It is God working through us, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that transforms our hearts and enables us to love each other.  It's nothing we can do on our own.  And we still manage to get in our own way.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

The women in my Bible study laughed when I said that pregnancy was one of the most sacrificial acts I performed.  But I was being serious.  My body was overtaken by another creature, someone I didn't even know yet who ate all my food and stretched out my stomach and made all the parts of my body ache in a symphony of discomfort.  It was the perfect preparation for motherhood.  Parenting is total sacrifice.  It is decades of watching another Elmo video and re-reading Harold and the Purple Crayon and going sledding when everyone knows snow is best enjoyed from INSIDE the house.  It is sleepless nights and worrisome doctor's appointments and combing through books to find a solution.  It is years without new clothes and too long between visits to your hairstylist so that your kids can play t-ball and go to the pool, not to mention that giant money suck known as Back to School shopping.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

Marriage feels a little different.  Some days it is hard to muster sympathy for your sick spouse or stop yourself from rolling your eyes at their complaints.  Sometimes the limitless patience you can give to your kindergartner as he sounds out sight words is sorely lacking for a husband who has misplaced his wallet.  Again.  Maybe it's because the power dynamic is different.  Husbands and wives are on essentially similar footing, while parents and children aren't.  You sacrifice completely for the kids because you know they need it, know they won't be able to give you anything for years, if ever.  In my experience, marriage has its ups and downs, with one person bearing the brunt for a period until things level off, and then the other will take up the load for a while.

"Live in harmony with one another...as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

It feels like I've been the one carrying the weight for a while now.

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink."

What I shared with the college students tonight is that while I would prefer to say, "I've lived a lovely, charming life that's been happy all the time, and now I'm just like Jesus!" I'm learning that God has a very different life planned for His followers.  It's in the hardships and struggles that we are transformed, it's only by enduring pain and loss and difficulty that we can grow as people.  Sacrificial love does not come as a result of a carefree life, it comes on the tail end of our most challenging seasons.  Yet in the midst of a difficult season, I don't feel like celebrating.  I don't feel warm and gooey and sentimental, I feel hard and tired and cynical.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

These are hard words to read, harder still to live out, especially when there are days when I feel like giving up.  If faith is having confidence of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see, then faith is the only thing I have in those moments.  Faith in light up ahead.  Faith in unloading the weight, in trading off with my partner.  Faith that something good and worthy will come out of this time of struggle.  Faith that all the time, God is good.

After 13 years, all I have is faith in us.