Feeling Inside Out

We took our kids to see Inside Out on Father's day.  It seemed like a great family activity, and a way to celebrate the Daddy who does so much for us.  We are all happiest, it seems, at the movie theater.  With popcorn and sugary drinks, with bags of Skittles passed down the row, with the lights dimmed and the magic of Tinseltown at work in front of us.  I was excited, of course, because Pixar movies never disappoint, with their tight stories, gorgeous animation, and that amazing ability to delight both children and their parents.  But I was also feeling nervous.  I had done a little research the week before, listening to the director, Pete Docter, on Fresh Air with Terri Gross.  It was fascinating to hear how the film's writers and animators had worked out the story, learned about the functions of the brain, and chosen the actors to voice the characters.  There was a key element to the movie that I knew would hit a little too close to home, though.  The movie shows the emotional life of Riley, an 11year old girl who has just moved across the country with her parents.  Pete Docter shared that this was chosen as the catalyst for the Emotions to get out of whack because his family had moved when he was 11.  But it's more than Riley's story and Pete Docter's story; it is also my story.

When I was 11, just finishing the fifth grade, my parents decided to move from my hometown of Dallas, Texas to Ohio.  In fact, I missed the last day of school to help load our Ryder moving truck, and we spent the night as a family at motel near the highway in order to get an early start in the morning and try to miss the Dallas rush hour.  I even lost my last baby tooth during our move.  In Texas, I was a basketball player, a native well-versed in the state's history, a Cowboys fan, occasionally too loud, occasionally too aggressive.  I loved school and my teachers, I knew every inch of my neighborhood, from the well-worn paths where my sister and I rode our bikes to the cavernous stormwater pipes that ran under our street.  I had friends and I was confident.  And then we moved, and much of that changed.

It wasn't until I watched Inside Out this past summer that I could finally articulate what that move was like for me.  There it was, playing out on the giant screen, the way everything around changes while everything inside is changing too.  For me, growing up felt like a severing of myself.  Childhood was in Texas and adolescence was in Ohio.  I imagine that people who don't move in the middle of their young lives probably have a stronger feeling of integration, that the places where you have your first kiss or your first job are the same places where you used to play with your friends or shop with your parents.  Just like Riley, I struggled to fit in at my new school, to be excited about the changes in my life.  And just like Riley, I lost pieces of myself along the way.  The friends I left behind disappeared like Bing Bong in the Memory Dump.  Basketball was different, and within a few years I switched from being an athlete to being a band geek.  I lost some of that confidence too, the feeling of belonging, of being home.  It took many years, and a few more moves, for me to find that again.

Then there is the final lesson of Inside Out, the realization that all of one's feelings have merit and purpose, and that Sadness is necessary to move forward.  It felt like I was sad for a full year, overwhelmed and confused and struggling.  I longed to go back, to return to the Lone Star state and my real life.  But that wasn't happening.  Yet it was in that sad state that a new self was born.  I became the sapling of the woman I am today, sarcastic and pensive and loyal and silly.  I made new friends, developed new hobbies, found new places to ride my bike and new ways to express myself.  It wasn't easy, but probably no one feels like it is easy to get older.  And it created something special inside me, a sense of compassion and tenderness towards girls entering 6th grade and experiencing all those changes.

It's amazing how it all works out, isn't it?  How the places where you feel the most pain and challenge become the places where you are most able to help others, how the worst times lead to the best times.    And how home turns out not to be the place you left, but the place where you arrive.

Word of the Year: 2016

For the past year, I've focused on my habits.  I wanted to become a healthier, more productive version of myself.  I think I've succeeded.  I changed calendars with my 6 year old last night, and felt good about ending 2015.  Then I lay in bed, listening to my neighbors set off their second round of fireworks (the first were around 8:30, apparently someone was too impatient to wait for midnight).  And I thought about what word should weave itself through the coming year.

Healthy eating

Something I've learned by changing my habits is VALUE:  the value of a glass of water over a can of Coke, the value of powering my body to run a 5K, the value of organizing my home, the value of creating something rather than consuming it.  As I sought to clean up my eating, I found that I had more energy.  That energy helped me to be more consistent with workouts, and actually following through with my Couch to 5K running program.  The time I spent running allowed me to listen to podcasts and think through ideas, which helped when I sat down to finish writing my second novel.  And I would probably still be procrastinating (instead of writing) if I hadn't joined a Clutter Free group and changed my desk from a general dump to a productive workspace.

Organizing and Unloading

I found that I have enough if I use what I have wisely.  There is enough space in our house (just under 1200 square feet) for a family of five, including 3 active and growing boys if we use the space correctly.  This means throwing away or donating most of the boxes in our basement to create a bike path for the kids to ride through the cold winter months.  It means sorting toys and storing them better.  It meant I finally had to take my clothes out of the closet in the boys' room (which had previously been Chris and my room) so that their stuff could fit and be accessible.  My project for the coming year in this area is going to start by sorting out the part of the master bedroom I didn't get to last year, so that we can reorganize our spare room into a bedroom for Mikey, and finally convert what has been a nursery for the past 8 years into a homework room and office space.  I was amazed with my decluttering project of 2015 at how I just have to convert what is already here into a useable space, instead of browsing real estate listings online and imagining myself in a new house.

Similarly, I wanted to make some changes for my body and overall health.  I had fallen into a pattern of dealing with the stress of caring for young children by eating lots of sugar and chili cheese fries, and yet I felt like I was losing my temper too much and just exhausted by life.  Now, maybe my children aging a few years has also contributed to the peace I've found this past year, but I'm guessing that using relaxation methods like exercise and meditation have also played their part.  So much has changed since I chose to stay home with my baby nearly nine (what?!) years ago.  I can sleep through the night, no one gets their nourishment from my body anymore, and for the first time, all my kids are enrolled in school.  The stop-gap measures I used in the past needed to go, and a new, healthier mom was able to emerge.  I didn't spend a bunch of money to get in shape.  I used a Jillian Michaels DVD ($7, purchased 2 years ago), hand weights ($5, also purchased 2 years ago), a Couch to 5K phone app ($5, purchased several years ago), new running sneakers and a few new shorts/tops (under $100 total).  And then I ate real food, purchased from the same grocery store that sells me Doritos and Coke and Zebra Cakes.  I drank water, which is way cheaper than pop, and vegetables that are less expensive than processed crap.  There's no secret or magic to getting in shape; you just lace up your shoes and get your butt out the door.

Through being more thoughtful and aware, I feel like I was able to be a better mom and wife.  This is good, because my kids are getting old enough to remember things like how I treat them and what we do for fun.  They've always made me more active than I want to be, but this year I felt like I was more present and able to think ahead and prepare for our adventures.  Instead of dreading summer break and bemoaning the days as the kids are stuck on screens, I made a plan of action, daily activities and places we would go to make our summer fun.  We had designated hours for watching TV and playing video games, and the rest of the time was spent playing outside or reading books or creating pictures. There was a time when I could only write when my children were asleep, but now I can get my work done while they're at school (mostly).  I still get angry, I still need to work on what I can control (my reaction), but I definitely feel like I've made progress, like the time I spend with my family has increased in value.

Making memories at the Magic Kingdom

So here's the goal for 2016:  bring value to my life.  Value my own body and mind enough to care for it properly.  Value my family by giving them my best, which includes attention and teaching and creating special memories.  Value my home by making it a place that everyone feels welcome, and making space for what our family needs.  Value my work by giving it time and consistent attention.  Value my community and the world by contributing to what makes it better, whether it is by continuing as a foster parent or possibly getting involved with child welfare in another role, whether it is financial contributions to organizations that are already making a difference or volunteering my time in some way.

How about you?  Do you make New Year's Resolutions or Goals?  Do you have a word for 2016?