Yesterday I had the privilege to attend a seminar for Parents and Educators of children with Special Needs. I thought it would be helpful as we make decisions for James' future education, like if he should go to Kindergarten in the fall or do another year of preschool. The keynote speaker, Jennifer Krummins, was truly phenomenal. I felt like we could have spent a whole week together, with her giving me advice and encouragement, and it still would not have been enough. Among the many useful topics she discussed about raising a special needs child was concerning negative thoughts that parents think which hinder their ability to help their child. It really stayed with me, as it is a huge problem that I have, and since it is my thoughts and not something I often say aloud, I don't hear positive reinforcement to counter-act it. Jennifer advised writing down the negative thoughts that go through my mind, then listing thoughts that contradict them to help change the recording I keep playing in my head. So here goes:
1. This is my fault.
2. Why is this happening to me/us?
3. I don't know what I am doing.
4. I am a bad mom and shouldn't be allowed to make decisions for my child.
5. There is no place for my child in his school, at church, in public.
6. My son will never have friends, other kids will be mean to him, I can't protect him.
Unfortunately, some of these messages have been reinforced by other people, either by judgmental attitudes that I encounter or directly speaking them to me. My husband (best husband ever, remember?) tells me to ignore these people, but he doesn't seem to understand how they are just echoing thoughts I already have, which then gives those thoughts credibility. He tries to help think positively, but its easier to believe the bad ones. Some things that Chris says:
1. I'm a good mom.
2. We make good decisions about what is best for James, and we know best how to help him.
3. Its not possible to separate James and all the wonderful things about him from his delays, why would we want to?
4. Intervention has helped James already, and he will only continue to share more and more of himself with us as he becomes able.
And this weekend, I was told
5. Parenting a child like James is a privilege, not a problem. The challenges that arise from raising a child with special needs is an opportunity to grow, not a thorn with which to contend.
A woman I spoke with during a break told me that as my son's mother, I am doing what is best for him, and I just need to trust my instincts. I promptly burst into tears and had to walk away, because I couldn't even hear her words as encouragement, it felt like a slap to all my self-criticism and self-doubt. Maybe someday I will be able to offer words like that to another mom who needs to hear someone say something nice about her or her child, but right now I am still so raw and shell-shocked that I can't even imagine being that collected.
Yesterday was a really emotional day for me. It made me confront the things I try so hard to pretend don't bother me.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Best Husband Ever
I met my husband when we were both 17 years old, so young and foolish in hindsight. At the time, I had a mental list of the attributes that I thought would make a perfect husband, and I was also convinced that I would never meet a man to fulfill them. When Chris and I were first dating, he only possessed a few characteristics from my list, enough to get my attention and make me want to spend time with him; now I'm happy to say that he has grown into a wonderful man and amazing husband. I think many women (not all, we need different things from our spouses) would be really lucky to be married to this man, but I can happily say that he is all mine. Here are ten of the reasons why:
10. He kills the bugs. And does many other really gross things that I simply cannot stomach.
9. He's handsome. This is near the bottom of the list, because looks aren't everything, but it helps to like what you see when you wake up next to the same person every day.
8. He believes in me. I never thought I would need anyone else to help with my self-esteem, but he gives me confidence when I start to doubt myself.
7. He communicates well. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus...but we've learned to tell each other the things that keep us on the same page.
6. He's funny. This is the first thing I noticed about him. Chris makes me laugh every day, and it really helps get through the stressful moments in life.
5. He's a great father. I knew he would be! He loves his kids and does so much to share himself with them, teaching them how to be wonderful people.
4. He's thoughtful. Every single person on earth is capable of being inconsiderate. So it means alot when Chris covers my weaknesses with his strengths, and helps me without being asked.
3. He has the same values that I do. I cannot stress enough how important this is to make a marriage last. We start with the same foundation about how we see the world and our places in it.
2. He is his own person. After the big stuff is the same, its nice to have differences in tastes and interests. It exposes both of us to new ideas, and gives us our own space to be individuals.
1. He challenges me. The most important thing for me, the characteristic I never thought I would find, is someone that I respect who makes me explore different things and question the status quo. I love having long talks about ideas (though with three kids to chase after, those don't happen as often as I'd like).
I consider myself very lucky to have found at such a young age, a man who completes me and complements me so well. There is no one I would rather spend my life with, whether it is during an ice storm when we lose power or a beautiful sunny day at the beach. Our marriage vows are more true today than the day we first spoke them :)
10. He kills the bugs. And does many other really gross things that I simply cannot stomach.
9. He's handsome. This is near the bottom of the list, because looks aren't everything, but it helps to like what you see when you wake up next to the same person every day.
8. He believes in me. I never thought I would need anyone else to help with my self-esteem, but he gives me confidence when I start to doubt myself.
7. He communicates well. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus...but we've learned to tell each other the things that keep us on the same page.
6. He's funny. This is the first thing I noticed about him. Chris makes me laugh every day, and it really helps get through the stressful moments in life.
5. He's a great father. I knew he would be! He loves his kids and does so much to share himself with them, teaching them how to be wonderful people.
4. He's thoughtful. Every single person on earth is capable of being inconsiderate. So it means alot when Chris covers my weaknesses with his strengths, and helps me without being asked.
3. He has the same values that I do. I cannot stress enough how important this is to make a marriage last. We start with the same foundation about how we see the world and our places in it.
2. He is his own person. After the big stuff is the same, its nice to have differences in tastes and interests. It exposes both of us to new ideas, and gives us our own space to be individuals.
1. He challenges me. The most important thing for me, the characteristic I never thought I would find, is someone that I respect who makes me explore different things and question the status quo. I love having long talks about ideas (though with three kids to chase after, those don't happen as often as I'd like).
I consider myself very lucky to have found at such a young age, a man who completes me and complements me so well. There is no one I would rather spend my life with, whether it is during an ice storm when we lose power or a beautiful sunny day at the beach. Our marriage vows are more true today than the day we first spoke them :)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
On Turning 30
Big moments in my life always cause weeks of introspection, looking back and then looking ahead and then back again. Is this where I want to be? who I want to be? and now turning 30 is no exception. I have literally been thinking about this day for the last 6 months. The conclusion is that I am happy to be getting older. I'm proud of who I am today, and the direction my life has taken. I'm glad that living means moving forward. And so these are the things I wrote in a notebook while I waited for James to get done with school, with Winston begging me to let him go down the slide and baby sleeping in his carseat.
A snapshot of me at age 20:
I'm looking pretty good in those size 6 jeans. On my days off, I can (and often do) sleep for 14 straight hours. When it rains, I go to Borders and spend the afternoon reading. When I go out with my friends, we go to the movies, go dancing, sit at restaurants for hours, but everything is decided a moment before it happens. I think I've moved out of my parent's house FOR GOOD, but it will actually take a few tries to stick. I think that my future career will be the greatest accomplishment of my life. I have just finished college and I have the world all figured out.
10 years later, I look at that young woman and sigh. She has NO IDEA.
She wants to see the world, and will become a flight attendant to accomplish her goal. She will see the Pacific Ocean. She will spend a week in Europe with her mother and it will meet her expectations and disappoint her at the same time. Because she thinks that someday she will live abroad, or quite frankly, anywhere but here, but everything that she wants will be in that little city in Ohio.
She doesn't know that the boy she is dating will become her husband in just a few years. That they will buy a house in Canton and fill it with children. That creating a family is something that she's actually good at. She can barely lift a 30 pound box, but one day she will carry a 50 pound child in one arm and a 30 pound child in the other when their strength gives out.
She will learn real love and real patience, not through some cosmic gift, but through painful and persistent trial and error. She will be more content and more confident when she turns 30 than she can even imagine being at 20.
I can't help but quote the Brad Paisley song that plays at the end of "Cars", and not just because I've seen it every day for the last four weeks: "Sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well. That's when you find yourself."
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